Living For A Cause

Who Am I?

2012-02-07T03:30:00.000-08:00

Who am I? Who do I think I am?
It has been a tiring day, since waking up at 3.45am till now for thaipusam duty. There won't be a duty report on it. After getting home, I reflected back on what I did and said today while away from home, and I found out that I am still pretty much that annoying childish brat that I thought I'd thrown away. My emotions during that duty were kinda unstable. Half the day I was that kid with no sense of care in the world about what people say, and the other half I spent looking through the messages and pictures and reminiscing about the past. Questions like "If only you had learned to actually treat her as the one you love" to "If you had changed a little faster, you would be celebrating valentines' day and your 4th month, won't you? Too bad you didn't make it past the third". I still can't seem to let go of her. I don't want to just yet. I treated her coldly and I didn't even talk to her since stuff happened, but that's not because I hated her. I don't hate her. I just haven't come out from the rock that I've been hiding under. Its like a big tree. Though the leaves, branches and trunk has been cut off, the roots remain, and from the roots, maybe another tree will grow. There's something about her that just won't leave me alone. As much as it hurts me to know that she doesn't feel anything for me, I am willing to hold on for a while more.
Do remember me
Whenever you are lonely
For love, there I'll be.

Come back to me, dear
Your presence, I yearn
Will you give me a second chance?
To hold you close and take this dance
To dance among the animals and the plants
Step by step, tap-tap-tap
My hand on your waist, and your's, my shoulders
Be still, my dear
And never fear
For love is here.
It pains me to think about what we used to be before. But don't regret, don't feel guilty, don't cry. If you are reading this, you told me before once that a deeper part of you still loved me. I haven't replied you on that matter about me. Well, here it is. I still love you as much as before. I remember the photo album I created that was set for only you and me to see. As long as it is there, you know that I won't change my view on you.

Who am I? Who do I think I am?
When memories of those happy and sad times in my life return, it makes me wonder at how fast time passes. From wonder, to fear. Fear that I would be nothing in my future. Fear that my life isn't going to turn out as what I had wished for. Fear of the unknown. That's what humans fear. The Unknown. The usual advice I'd get from people is "Look to God. Cast away your fears and find rest in Him". During the beginning of the year, I was just lighting up for God. School life came back to me and I read the Bible less and less. It was from there that my faith levels are, in my point of view, smaller than mustard seeds. I only know that God is up there. Worship time in youth service is always what I look forward to. Even now. I want to change. Everytime I close my eyes, I picture a broom sweeping whatever problems away from my mind and I'd try hard to focus on God. To look to Him. But often times, I got lost. Maybe I'm doing it the wrong way. Maybe I'm not focusing hard enough. The second part may be true. I just can't put enough energy to focus on God. (Maybe I was tired. Maybe I AM tired. Not just physically. Found this out when writing this and pondering over this thought) I expected God to come and give an answer in a fraction of a second. I never did give Him the time that I had to actually listen. Maybe that is why my faith level is low. Maybe that is why I keep falling.

Who am I? Who do I think I am?
Honestly, I feel like I do not deserve Love from anyone. Times come when I feel like going to a pharmacy for some sleeping pills, looking forward to down the whole bottle at once and not wake up the next day forever. I have been sacrificing so much for the people around me that I begin to forget about how to connect to them. In other terms, I simply exist and carry on with what Life asks me to do. I don't live Life like how God asked me to. I would like to see who would actually cry real tears if I were to die. I don't count tears that are there because they're gonna miss someone who is an asset to their group. Yes, I admit I worked hard in other areas of my life. To the point where people 'materialise' me (personal feeling). Who would actually cry if I happen to die. I want to find out.

Who am I?
An insecure guy. Annoying. Hated. Used. A freak. An ass.
Who do I think I am?
That's what I want to find out.

Deep Inside

2012-01-26T07:45:00.000-08:00

Out on the surface, people might think that I've moved on from my past and depression. I act like I'm alright, I act like nothing's bothering me. Deep inside, my heart tells my brain to stop bullshitting. My brain argues back saying that it is better that I keep quiet and not bring anyone down. My heart fights back saying that I should tell at least someone, suffering alone isn't the best option. Well, the brain wins since it controls the thoughts and emotions while the bloody heart is just a muscle designed for pumping blood to all parts of the body. It's telling me to close up to the world. To change. To let other people not know about me. Change my lifestyle. Change my attitude. Look for ways to get busy so that I won't have time for any "silly emotions and thoughts" to come knocking when I'm alone. I can tell to whoever that is reading this that both my heart and brain is bullshitting. Yea, I do not want to burden anyone with my problems. Yea, I want my heart to be hardened that I may no longer get hurt. But another part of me says that I shouldn't harden my heart again. I know I do not want to be hurt. I've had enough bullshit shoved down my throat for the past 2 years. Entering its third year now. So much of it that I am glad to at least get my head above all that shit just for a couple of breaths before being shoved back in.

If I had a choice, I would prefer to re-live last year. 2011. Form 3. PMR year. There is something about it that changed my whole life. But now, its changing back. Possibly worse as I grow older. Come 18 years of age and I would be free to drink and smoke. Tempted to drink. Smoke? Heck no. There's a part of me that won't let go no matter how hard I try. It always comes back like a lost puppy. I know it's gonna get me 'killed' if I hold on too long and if the results aren't what I expect it to be (hey, the world doesn't revolve around me), but I don't want it to be gone. People might think that I have moved on from that bitter episode. That I have let go of something I shouldn't even be in at the young age of 15. Heck no. If you are reading this, you should know who you are. You should know that I would wait for the day when you'll no longer be single. With me or not, I will wait. But if it ain't me, that's where I'll force myself to move on no matter how much it hurts.
"I don't know where you're going, or when you're coming home, I left the keys under the mat to our front door, for one more chance to hold you close"

It's no doubt that its been a crazy and stressful year so far. There are times when I actually feel like giving up and just committing suicide or running away. But I can't. Can't bring myself to do those things. There is a wall in me that was built with all the hard work, love, and the bond of friendship and trust that I have placed on my friends since last year started and there is either no way that I'm gonna destroy it, or it is gonna take a whole HECK of a force to bring it down. Personally, it is the most valuable thing that I treasure since being changed. I love the 5 people that was there for me more than anyone else in this world and I mean it. Although there are times when I felt that I was alone, I knew that they do care about me. Something that is rare in my life. To know that someone actually cares for you. To acknowledge the fact that someone cares for you. For all I know, the whole world might be caring for me, but either I don't see it, or, they've been doing it secretly. But I doubt that the whole "caring for you secretly since DEPRESSION" is gonna help me. What if I feel alone and these people "secretly care for me"? I won't know that they actually care. I'd rather stick to people who show it. It's not about being ungrateful. It's about knowing for real who your friends are.

Shhh..

2011-12-31T00:36:00.000-08:00

2011 hasn't been a good year, at least in my life. There seems to be more downs than ups in my life. Each time my life went downhill, I'd try to focus on using all MY strength to get myself out. I relied on myself. There are times when I'd get back up, but most of the time, I didn't. By then I would be really mentally and emotionally exhausted. I always thought that God wasn't there to answer my prayers and to hear my cries. Truth is, it wasn't Him that wasn't there. It was me. I found out that my heart has been closed to the fact that my Father is able to help. I'd cry for His help, but I didn't bother to actually CRY for His help. I didn't pray, I didn't listen, I didn't keep still for Him to speak to me. Every time, it would be a "God, help me", and that is it. I didn't even expect Him to help me. I just said the words. End of story. Fullstop.

Things began to get more complicated towards the end of 2011. The day came when the stress was too much for me. I "broke under pressure". The hurtful things of the past began to catch up with me. Everything that people said against me, everything that people did against me, the memories began to flood my mind. I used to be slightly suicidal before. It came back to me. (I used to do stupid stuff like self hurt just to "feel better". The scars remain). I wanted to give up on life.

One afternoon, I said "God, I have had enough. I don't know what have I done to deserve this, but I want it gone. Show me that You are still looking after me. Show me that You still care for me in this life. I want to cry; to release everything inside, and to know that You are still up there watching over me." Less than 10 minutes later, I was on my bed, reading a message on my phone. I began tearing up. Not because of the content of the message. I don't know why either. No emotions, no feelings. Just started to cry. I don't cry much. As much as I wanted to, I can't. But that day, the Lord made it happen. I just cried for some unknown reason. It was after that time that I realised that God is still there for me.

Since that incident till now, my life has been changed to focus more on Him. I am beginning to go back to Him. The incident happened recently, just a few days back. I have learned many things since then. I don't know about the others, but each day I feel something in me pulling me to "do something". When I heard the pastors and speakers preach about 2012 being a "good year", I didn't think much about it. But now, I did. I didn't have visions or a small, still voice for God to speak to me. I just felt this "pull". And I believe, 2012 is really gonna be a good year. I don't know how, but its gonna be a good year.

1 Kings 19:11-13
The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.
When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

Be still and know that God is near, and He will speak to you. God bless you all.

For a Change

2011-12-29T06:47:00.000-08:00

My life wasn't exactly a bed of roses. Nope. Not really. Either I'm weak, or I have too many problems in the small 2 hands that I have. But whatever or however much I struggle everyday, my life was always about me, me and more of me. No God. Haven't considered much about the Big One above except for the occasional "Why God? Why me?". And I guess enough was enough. I'd leave Him out in the open long enough. I've fought my so-called wars myself long enough.

When someone I hold close to my heart decided to "get a break", I did the same routined "Why God? Why me?" sentence. Visualize this; I'm in my own home, and God is there, outside, knocking at my door. When this problem presented itself to me, by asking Him why, instead of opening the door and letting Him in, I just did what I always did. That is, to leave the door ajar instead of letting Him in. But this time, no way. He came in, by showing me something. That problem I talked about depressed me. And so, before deactivating my facebook account temporarily, I asked God to make me cry. I don't care what reason. Just let me cry. Less than 10 minutes later, while reading my messages, I just broke down. I didn't know why. I just did. From there, He changed my life. Bit by bit. All because of a cry. All because of a few tears and sobs. I cried like a baby... And what prolonged the tear-dropping was the fact that MY OWN GOD ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY FOR NO REASON.. Think about it. It's just....wonderful. I don't know about you guys, but I am awestruck.. So anyways, here's how He came back... Or rather, how I came back to my Father. For He doesn't leave..

So right now, a few days after the change, I am here, blogging again. I am praying again, reading the Bible again, and basically, rebuilding my foundation again, this time, on stone and not on sand. Praise God.. Not focusing much on love with the girl I love now, but I hope that she will see the change in me and I pray, she will be the one God has in mind for me. ANYWAYS, old habits do die hard, and by old habits here, I mean the bad ones. Its so much easier to live a life that has no rules. Do what you want, enjoy it.. True.. But given a choice between a life that's "free" and without faith to guide me and a life that is not "free" but with faith, I'd pick the latter. "Free".. Notice the quote mark? So called freedom. As I said, old, bad habits die hard. But I'm trying my best for 2 reasons. First, for my own good. Second, for her to see the change that she may understand that I am changed as promised.

No lovey dovey stuff till after SPM, that's what I know. That's what she told me. I pray that she would be the one for me, honestly. There's something about this girl that's different from all the others. Maybe because she 'saved' me from being totally heartless.. I don't know. She really means a lot to me.. Still, if anything happens, I know you are reading this, but if you don't think I'm gonna be the one that will be living under the same roof as you in the future, just make sure, you don't forget me as someone you can totally rely on. :) I'll be there as your best friend.. haha.. The weird stuffs about love.. Nobody understands.... Forget what I wrote here.. Just have to remember that I'll be there for you no matter what aight.. :)

Forgive me.

2011-12-24T08:15:00.000-08:00

Whatever that life teaches you, learn from it. Cause if you don't, each repetition of the same mistake will result in punishments being worse than before. Here's my story;

I know you told me that many times, to not leave you alone and to not make myself far away from you. Here's the whole reason why I did that. I don't want people to start making matters worse. I do want to be with you every moment I get. It hurts a lot when I know that you are under great pressure to complete and make perfect every task given to you. For that, I do want to be your comforting friend, your shoulder to cry on and to be your listening ear. I could have done all that. But I didn't, and that was a mistake on my side. I was afraid of the crowd. I was afraid of what they would think and do. I don't want to leave you out in my conversations. I could have included you in all of it, but I was afraid of the crowd. I am being honest. That 3 days of being in camp hurt a lot. Not because of you, but because of me. I dared not talk to you much. And all I dared to do was to steal a few glances toward you. I'm sorry I didn't manage to make you feel 'connected' to me. I'll try again. I don't want to lose you again. I know patience is running out on your side. If there's one thing I hope you understand, it would be the fact that I haven't actually loved anyone as much as I did for you for quite some time. I guessed I forgot. That's why I get paranoid sometimes when you are away on a holiday or something. It's because I don't want to lose anyone again. Please know that you are the only person that got my full attention. I just need time, and some guidance on how to love. Loving for dummies if you prefer. I know that you are disappointed with me. I am, too. The whole day my mind was thinking about what I should have done when we we had some time alone. If you think that I am distancing myself from you because of another girl, please throw that thought away. I am not in love or having any crush on any girl. I did so only because of the crowd. I was afraid. But I hope you guide me through this. Or at least, give me a little more time. I didn't know the boundary between the time we should spend being together, and the time you should have with your friends. I was afraid I took too much of your time and leaving you with less time with your friends. I was afraid of being selfish.
I know I can only comfort through words. Through actions, I don't know how. I hope you guide me again. How? Just sit there beside you and be quiet? Talk to you? Give you a hug? Place my hand on your shoulder to let you know I'm there for you? It hurt me to see you break down under pressure. It hurt me to see you unhappy. I always try to bring your spirits up. Words seems to be the easiest way for me because it worked for me when I was in the same condition. Although it hurt to see you down, please, don't hide your true emotions from me. If you are sad, cry. If you are angry, vent. If you are happy, smile. If you are afraid, scream. Again, I hope you remind me of the things I need to do whenever you are down. Love in my life is still a baby. I've been stone cold and hard hearted since 2 years back. It killed Love. But now you came and changed my views on life. Love was born again, in my words. It's still a baby.
If you are having any doubts about my sincerity, I hope I can throw it away in this post. I love you. I still do. As much as before. No, I am not looking at other girls. You knew me as a guy who is honest and loyal. I hope you still know me as that same person. I am. That is the reason why I don't want to lose you. It made my days dark before, during the first time after the break. I don't want to 'die'. I just hope you give me guidance and time to play my part as a man. Today wasn't a good day. As much as the truth hurt, it made me happy to know that you have been honest. Please, don't leave me for not being able to get closer to you. I am trying. I still hold you very close to my heart. I still love you. I wish you would know what I had planned for one of the coming days when we get to meet again. But it would have to be a surprise, and I hope you like it. It would be one of my first efforts after this lesson learnt. It's very simple, but I hope you understand. Please don't get mad at me for distancing myself from you. I am sorry for doing that. Please don't leave me. That's all I'm afraid of.

Fish.

Walking Thoughts

2011-12-02T08:04:00.000-08:00

To anyone who'd bother to read, this was what happened to me.
Friday, and it is during the holidays. So I went to House of Hope. And this time, after playing and all, around 6, I decided to walk all the way home instead of having my parents to fetch me. It was a 5km walk, more or less, I am not sure. But one thing I knew, that is, I want to walk to just stay healthy. That was my aim.

They say "When a woman is quiet, she's angry. But when a man is quiet, he's thinking". I don't know about women, cause naturally, I'm not one. But since I am a man *ahem*, I can prove that the second statement is not rubbish. Yes, Throughout the whole journey, I was thinking. About House of Hope, and similar organizations meant to help those in need. "The Least", as society calls them. These people have either very little, or nothing at all. I've come to realise that those in the higher levels of society seem to think of them as "brats", "useless", and etc. Its not entirely their fault that they are unfortunate. In some cases, it's not their fault at all. For instance, a kid begging by the roadside. Who knows, months before, he was a top scorer in school until someone in his class found out he had AIDS all because of his parents' activities. And now, people discriminate him. Well, that was just an example. But see the whole story of how some people are not at fault when they're unfortunate? And for that, the another thing I realised is that those who are discriminated for being "The Least", they tend to be more helpful. After all, I'm just another life that people don't give a flying flip about. So, why not help others who are in need and see if I can get that assumption that I'm a brat off... Or die trying. I'm not saying that all those who are better off are not helpful, but rather, there are more of the less fortunate who are more willing to help. From what I see, I'd say its because they want the social discrimination against them to be gone. But now, currently, there's one point I want to focus on. That has something to do with what I know God has planned my life for.

These people, I like to assume, are willing to die helping than to die by the roadside. If that is the case, I can relate to them. I too, would like to die helping them, not die rich and with my stomach filled with my favourite food. No. What I've always thought about my life is that it is in a way, nothing compared to the whole world. I'm not trying to say that my life is meaningless and that I am about to jump off a bridge after this post. I am trying to say that if I were to die helping at least more than one life, then I consider my mission accomplished when I die. It isn't impossible. Let's go back in time. Jesus saved the WHOLE WORLD when He died. Because of it, we, the Gentiles, are allowed to heaven. Not just the Jews. What about the one life that changed the modern world. I would say Steve Jobs. One life. All it takes is just one person, who is willing to make a difference, and that's it. I believe, that my one life, will be able to impact more than 1 life in this world. If I were to die rescuing victims of a landslide, so be it. I know that I am to go for missions. To be a missionary. I am not sure if I am going to be a preacher or something else. My communicating skills are bad. I don't interact much. But I know that I have a strong passion for medical situations. Whatever the cause. Don't get me? Well, picture me in a medical tent in the middle of a war torn country. Picture me being with the medical team in one of the country's or organisation's relief teams. Picture me in the ER. But being in the ER is not what I want. I don't like being stuck in a place. But if that's the way it should be, so be it. I just know, that my one life, is able to help others. To help The Least, be The Most. I place my trust on God. What are you gonna do with your life? Think about it.

From me, To you ♥

2011-11-25T07:26:00.000-08:00

Never thought that I'd be this love-struck boy. Who'd ever think that this big guy with a small heart will and can find love? No one. Closing my heart to the world, to my family, to my friends, and sometimes, to myself is really tiring. There are many times when I just wanted to open up about everything to everyone whether they bother to listen or not. And yet, like what my previous pastor said, once you've been hurt, you tend to build a wall guarding your heart to prevent any hurt. So I've been hurt a lot. But that don't mean I MUST put up a wall right? Wrong. I always keep my head up high when asked about my life. I love it. At least, that was what I thought. Every strand of hair said I loved my life. Every skin cell on my body said the same. But deep in my heart, I knew it wasn't. I've set up a wall, and I'm fiercely guarding it. I've become my own master and dog. Dare you enter, death is near. Well, maybe not death, but hell.

Then came this girl. Aihhhhh ;). No, listen you idiots. Listen first.
This girl, she'd probably notice this post and know that its her anyway. But for you idiots who might be reading, she was a great person to know. In under a year, we were best friends. I found myself opening the gates of my fortified heart to her. Everything I kept, I shared with her. Pain, joy, laughter, tears. She's made sure I don't suffer alone. And I make sure of the same too. Love? Brotherly-Sisterly love? I would say so. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Till now, I don't find that phrase applicable in my case. For me, the way to my heart, is through love shown. And she's done it. She's shown love. She's entered my heart. And she did it the right way. Many great men from the past found their weaknesses in the women that are in their lives. I'm not trying to say that I'm great. But hey, I'm a young man aight. It's not the end of the story yet. Many great men of the past fall because of the women in their life. This ain't the case for me. Take Samson and Delilah for example. Samson fell because Delilah knew his secret to his strength. But this girl, till now, she knows what breaks me down and what brings me up, but she still didn't use that knowledge for her advantage. That's why I love her. Aihhhhhh;). Listen before you jump to conclusions you fool.

Being the only girl that manages to connect to me, it wouldn't be wrong to call her my sister. And yet, there's something more that I am feeling. Aihhhhhh;). Listen you fool. That bond between me and her is strong. To the point where even just not talking to each other for a day would make me worry like mad. Worry?? What for? It's not like she's gonna be harmed or something. You'll understand when you hold someone so close to your heart. It's hard to explain. This. Love. Is. Real.

She's opened my heart. She's gone through all the fortifications. She's killed the guards. She's gone past the traps. She accepted me in my worst and my best. She's been there for me. She's set me free. And I believe, I truly believe, that it was God who had sent her to me. God bless you, dear one. Thanks a lot, from me :) This post is dedicated to you and its one of the smallest Thank Yous that I can offer. I Love You

Hey Beautiful

2011-11-22T06:17:00.000-08:00

Hey Beautiful,
Have you ever wondered, what is always on my mind?
What about "who"?
That girl who stole my heart,
That girl who refused to return it when I ask for it
That girl whose laugh is the happiest sound
That girl whose cries, though I have never heard them before, is the saddest sound
Is she The One?
I like to think so

Hey Beautiful,
Have you ever wondered, what would I do with you?
Tell you I love you?
Hold your hands?
Or maybe feel the warmth of your embrace?
Would walking beside you by the seaside ever pop into your mind?
How about smearing ice cream on your face and having a good laugh?
Does sitting beside you, watching your favourite show sound good?
Not to fear if I scared you, cause all I ever want is just for you to be beside me
Through good, through bad
Happy or sad

Hey Beautiful,
I just want you to know
One simple sentence
Complicated in its own way
The three words that some say complete me
The three words that brightens my day
Meant for only you and me to say
I Love You, Beautiful
In future terms, Forever and Always
I'll give my best for us,
I promise, my words

♥I Love You, Beautiful ♥

Mr. Wan's Holiday

2011-11-22T05:58:00.000-08:00

Holidays have started.. Some of my friends have started work.. Some of them are busy hanging out.. Holidays.. A time of rest ain't it? Not in my case.. Being an active member in Unit 7 as well as a committee member in fireBRANDS has proved to be a real challenge. It's definitely not the first time church activities clashed with the plans of Unit 7. The one thing that got me really stressed at this time of relaxation is that IUC, which I am so passionate about, which I am so optimistic about winning has clashed with fireBRANDS youth camp. 11 days of training, and 2 days of competition against 5 days of mingling around with friends and meeting new people and getting my extra 'baggage' off my shoulders. Who in their right mind would choose to have another weight over their shoulders when they can drop all? Well, not me for sure. I had a choice. I made a stand. So did the other group leader for Unit 7, Ken-Jeen. Big headache for the EXCOs of Unit 7 I'm sure. His stand was solid. It paid off. His name is now off the list. He is going for youth camp. Meanwhile, my name is still on the list. If anyone is wondering why, you've come to the right spot.
I have heard and known that HSLs and DHSLs have a lot of work to do, simply because they are the head of a unit. RC HQ is giving them lots of stuff, duties, competitions, camps for them to attend, and they have to make sure that their unit is in order as well. The second ball to juggle is studies in school. Followed by personal life. 3 big balls to juggle. We have given them enough headaches by saying we want to quit. Besides, they really expect a lot from both of us.. Especially me. This year would be my third time joining IUC, since I had to replace a member who couldn't make it 2 years back. Form 1s are not allowed I heard. But they had no choice. Now that Ken-Jeen left, if I were to go, which I could if I really wanted to, there are surely gonna be a lot of people who will be unhappy. Lets skip the EXCOs and the teacher advisor and move on to the members of each team. I know for sure that some of the members have actually cancelled their plans just to be in IUC. If I were to go as well, it definitely won't be fair. Personally, I felt that maybe God wanted me in IUC too. To pick up another weight on my shoulder cause He knows I am strong. That's what I felt, and it did give me some consolation. First, He opened a way to youth camp, then, another miracle which got me really hopeful that I would be in youth camp, then suddenly, BAM! youth camp closed and the way to IUC opened. Oh well. I'll try my best to talk to the teacher advisor on next year's youth camp. I know for sure, that I am gonna miss all of my friends in youth camp for 5 days straight. sigh.

IUC.. Been given the command list, am proud to say I have memorized half the commands already in order.. :) Now the only thing that got me worried is the fact that my members won't be able to give me a full attendance day during trainings. If I am to be pt in IUC, so be it, but don't give me a group that has members who can't make even ONE training day with complete attendance. Everyone needs to be trained whether they're in Team Test or FAIC. I'll tolerate IUC, but not 3 members showing up for trainings only.

Well, here goes my holidays..

Reflection

2011-10-26T04:02:00.000-07:00

PMR has ended a few weeks ago.. It's been a while since I last blogged. 2011 is coming to an end. So, here's a summary of what happened till now. :)

Like last year, I joined the Board of Class Moniters. Reluctantly. I knew of the pressure one has to go through because of its expectations. Unlike the other Boards', BOCM, personally, is the most demanding one. Not only do the Class Moniters have to maintain the class discipline, but they have to go on errands, go for duties and to be a role model, both in discipline and academics. Prefects, Break Moniters, Traffic Wardens and Librarians don't have that requirements. Anyway, it was a hard task. Talking about hard, the first 2 class moniters in my class quit just 2 days after their election. I was the next best candidate. And to make my job harder, my assistant, although he does his duties, he's still like every other student. Pfft. I am glad it is all over now. PMR afterparty duties as a class moniter is more relaxed. Taking attendance and such. There are times when I really wanted to just smuggle in a gun and shoot some of my classmates for the trouble they brought me, but there are also times when I just want to thank them for making me a stronger person. But one thing I do know about myself as a class moniter for my class. It has made me a much more responsible person. In other words, it kinda made me experience "fatherhood". To me, it's like having to take care of 43 other babies. Naughty ones, nice ones, selfish ones, and the sort. There was once when a group came to my class. They had found trouble with him in the canteen during recess time earlier. Apparently, he reported one guy from the group to the Breaks that he had cut his line. So what happened was he got pissed, got his gang, and there they are, scolding and wanting to pick a fight with my classmate. No way. By the power vested in me in my little badge, I got up, went to them and just asked them to leave. I gave them 3 choices. To leave at once, or to stay and argue while I go to the discipline room to report, or to send that main guy behind all this in and have a talk one on one. Being a class moniter really taught me that to be a leader, you have to put others first. To fight for your people. To get them disciplined if the need arises. And, to be strong.

So, that was just BOCM.. But now, there is a little something that I want to do. This paragraph is for someone I know of. And yes, I am thinking of that person. Let's call that person X. So I got to know X somewhere in November last year. X was just a normal person then. Someone who will just come and go. Someone whom I didn't pay much attention to. But I was wrong. As the months passed by, we got closer. Closer as in our friendship. Close enough to call each other siblings. It got so close that X has actually opened my heart up. I was willing to open up to X about my whole life. Normally, that wouldn't happen. Last year was the cause. I closed myself to the world. I hated everything out there. I was wallowing in self pity and sorrow. I was insecure. Then X came. Things changed. I found someone I could totally trust. Secrets(Yes, guys DO have secrets too, and they love gossip as well) are shared, stories told, feelings poured out. Talking with X helped me release all the bitterness in me. Times when I fell, X was there to pick me up. Times when I was about to fall, X was behind, supporting my back. I thank God for knowing X. It was then that I knew I had another loyal companion who will be there for me in tough situations. The second one was Ken-Jeen. That's all i have in my life that i hold on to dearly. These are the only 2 people in my life whom i will really cry for when they're gone. The only 2 people in my life whom i will really sacrifice myself without a second thought when the need arises. X has been a wonderful friend, and still is a wonderful friend.

X, you know who you are if you're reading this. I want to thank you for a great year. Life has been so much better since meeting you. I don't think so there is anyone who will ever replace you. I love you, I thank you and I wish you all the best in your own personal life.

Ken-Jeen, this is most probably the only time i spelled your name with a "-" symbol. Since knowing you as a friend during Primary 6, I know I had someone whom i can rely on when times are bad. Actually, I believe our friendship grew when you managed to persuade me to go to fireBrands. 4 years of knowing you as a friend has been wonderful. I don't think I can find anyone who will take my insults as lightly as you do. Haha. Best friend in class, best friend in Unit 7, best friend in life. Thank you, and to prevent any jealousy, I love you and again, i wish you all the best in your personal life.

God bless the 2 of you:)

Being in Unit 7 is what i wish would never end. Besides having the great company who never fails to understand a tough situation and to take a joke or insult aimed at them and laugh, they have proved to be a group that is united. Going for duties, competitions and such has indeed, strengthened relationships. Sharing knowledge about first aid especially and not keeping the information to oneself is a plus point. We help others who in turn, will help those in need.
On a personal scale, being in the Red Crescent Organization has helped me find my purpose in life. That is to save others. To give others a second chance to live if they had it. A life is not just a life. A life is what God had created fearfully in the beginning. Each life counts. To be able to save one is already an honour to me. Till now, I have seen quite a number of cases ranging from simple cramps to possibly a spinal injury once. So, I would like to thank Unit 7 for making me what I am today. Cheers to that, and many more lives saved!

Rovers' Camp duty

2011-07-22T08:33:00.000-07:00

Alright!!! another duty report coming up..

so its today, which is the 22nd of july. got a message from my hsl, boon tsann asking me if i could go for this duty last night. PMR is near, and i was going to say no without bothering to ask my parents.. but then, i didnt. so, i asked my parents. the normal lecture everyone would get from their parents about skipping extra curricular activities and the blahs came out. finally, with much convincing that i would study, i got the green light. Cool.

after school. there is first aid training for the form 2s and 4s for the competition thats coming up. i wanna join their training and help out with the form 2s. only managed to attend the last half hour. my mom insisted that i follow my parents to lunch, then stay a while at my granpa's shop a while. ish. but in that half hour, i learned a few things. like, how to attend to a spinal injury casualty if you are the only first aider. cool stuff, this first aid. then waited till 9pm with a form upper 6 fellow first aider and friend. He said he wasn't really good in first aid.. just knowing the basics. dude, no one cares. its just a camp for the lower 6 students and they aren't kids anymore. we're just gonna waste few hours of our lives in the RC room.

after the first aid training, i took out my exercise books to do some revision. after all, i promised my parents, and i really want to improve now. while doing, a guy came to the room. he said he suspects that his finger has a fracture. well, i know that fella is from scouts, and an active member, so it is a great help to me. i don;t have to identify the problem anymore. but heck, just to look good in the rc room, i played Mr. i-think-you-might-have-this-injury. done with the play, i went back to being me. took out a roller bandage, wanted to find a splint for his fractured finger, manatau, he had 2 halves of a chopstick. cool. splinted the finger, and then rollered his fractured finger to the one beside to prevent further movement.

then, nothing happened. locked the RC room door, went out to play ping pong with my friend. well, i do suck at it. anyway, i went back to the RC room cause i had nothing to do de. Chun Jie (the other first aider) is at Boards' room. continued my revision and blah blah blah.

random casualties from the camp came.. with normal scratches... one thing i noticed. the guy casualties kept quiet and put on their manly face when its time to put dettol or alcohol swab. when its the girls' turn, they screamed like it would be the last time they were ever gonna scream. lol.

the last casualty. ooh. 15 minutes before my mom came.. it was the best. best saved for the last. okay anyway, it was 815 pm... they were having night games. man hunt or something.. so i was just going online with the laptop that i brought. feeling hungry of course. then, Chun Jie heard someone calling him. he went out. most probably another simple casualty. then he ran back in, and said to me "Eh, got casualty.. this one serious one!!!" then he ran back. i immediately logged out from my facebook and twitter account, faster than usual. went out and saw him and 2 others carrying the casualty. wow. must really be serious huh? prepared 2 chairs, one for his butt, another one for his leg. its obvious, they're carrying him, means its a leg thing. i was right. they passed under a light, and i saw blood. lots of it. dropping down. in a moment, he was on the chair that i set up just seconds ago. he was just talking to his friends sho are obviously trying to calm him. he was panicky. lol. his right foot was a bloody one. his left, just the same. that much blood came out. then, while i was wearing gloves, i saw the blood dripping from the chair where his leg was. oh uh.... not good. bleeding much. the RC room floor is red. so is the chair. i asked what happened. Chun Jie let me do the treating. he'll just help me prepare the stuff and etc when i need them. casualty was a guy named Patrick. told me he had stepped on a hook or something. i saw the wound. it was just a small area. yet, it bled so much. WAIT! a hook? i asked if it was rusty. Patrick got scared. he said he wasnt sure. never mind. i asked his friends to go search for the hook and see if it is rusty or not.

First things first. there was skin blocking the wound. got nailclippers and managed to cut off the skin. he was the first male casualty to shout. good. im getting response that it is pain. because some people, even though it is pain, they won't say anything till tears come out.... then i stopped a while to let him get back his breath. before i continued with round 2, i told him " if pain, say AHH" then i clipped the skin off. he said AHH. good boy. then took a small sized gauze and put direct pressure on it. Chun Jie was preparing the dettol and water solution already. good. it stopped bleeding after a while. his friends came back, with a photo. that photo showed a rusty rake. the one used to rake leaves wan. he stepped on it. ouch. then i took the dettol, did the cleaning, and blahs, and covered the wound up. without the yellow lotion. told the teacher that it would be best if he went to the clinic or hospital. cause
1. it is a rusty rake after all.
2. its a rake. used to rake leaves etc. lotsa bacteria
3. its a rake. its sharp. it penetrated a deep hole in his foot
then after all that usual stuff, teacher sent him there, now its the cleaning up part. i looked at the floor, and wow. blood stained. blood dries VERY fast okay? never forget that. in 10 seconds and it would be sticky. 10 more seconds and it would be dried. maybe. the nail clipper, the tweezer needs disinfecting. tookout the alcohol swab and cleaned it. Chun Jie did the cleaning of the RC room floor. thank you..after that, he asked, i asnwered. the questions like, "u not scared of blood? u not panicky also ar?" lol.... then he asked about the most serious injuries i've encountered, etc. kept the laptop and books, and my mom came in time... wow.... haha,...

So You Returned. What For? What Purpose?

2011-05-26T09:25:00.000-07:00

desperate. that's what it has become. attacking me harder than usual. never thought that i'd be going thru it again. no, i don't know what's the reason this time. everything seems to be falling apart. from this year, that responsibility in me is slowly going out. class moniter, i used to be someone that is responsible. taking the blame for everything bad my class did. passing up books and all that. but now, its like i gave up. didn't give a care when teachers scolded me anymore. passing up books, what is the assistant moniter for? that's who i became recently. leave it to the dogs. that struggle; to stay alive. to keep my head above the water. its getting tiring. and im stopping the struggle. to drown. to give up and be a failure in my life. RC, that passion for red crescent. the want to go out into the world to save people. its vanishing. im beginning to NOT want to go out anymore. NOT to wear the emblem anymore. my studies, its gradually dropping. mid year, i lost that motivation to study. and i didn't at all. questions that came out in my exam that was deemed easy before was the hardest for me now. im prepared to be the last in my class for this exam. my life is going down. i know it. i've begun to separate myself from my friends. we used to talk, but now its them, not much of me anymore. im pulling myself away.. sad part is, im beginning to lose my dream. i mean, how can it happen? bad things are coming my way and they're freakin programmed to hit me. satan, please get off my back. pfft. as if he would listen. yeah, im slowly giving up in life. but no worries. i won't attempt suicide. for a normal guy, he would, but i think i know better than to jump off a bridge.

2011-05-07T08:17:00.000-07:00

Hey, yeah you. no, not you, behind you.. yeah, you... yeah... hey.

sorry.
1. for not keeping promises. i've said that i'll do it. but i never did.
2. for leaving you out.
3. for refusing to notice you
4. if i ever broke your heart
5. if i ever made you angry
6. for not being bold enough.
7. for giving up

thanks.
1. for keeping your promises
2. for not leaving me out
3. for noticing me
4. for not breaking my heart.
5. for not making me angry
6. for being bold.
7. for not giving up on me
8. for trying hard.
9. for your encouragements
10. for being there

i said it. there's much more, but this is what is on my mind now. is there any need to explain what is written down? i hope not. once again, thanks for not giving up on me. thanks for being there. but i guess that i'm just not bold enough to even approach you. there's really no need for you to wait for me anymore. i guess i'll be stuck here my entire life. go. you've got a good life ahead of you. many people out there are way more friendlier and bolder than me. this is real life, not a "you jump, i jump" thing. just one life to live. go. i'll most probably be alright. sorry for not being there for you... i've changed haven't i? all i can give is a 'dead' reply. you deserve more than this. you really do. i'm not dissing you or something, i'm just saying that there's no need for you to wait for me. i'll be alright. thanks a lot... :'(

* if you think that you are the "you" in this post, find me and i'll tell.. and no, its not who you think it is =.=

Part Bloody 2

2011-05-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

Yes. it is confirmed. it returned again. since a couple of weeks ago, i had to live with a zombie. yeah. dead. rotten. heck, wanna know who the zombie is? nope, wrong. find out yourself. there's no way i'm gonna keep my head up after the things that happen recently. there's no way im even gonna admit that....... i am a christian. yes, i am ashamed of myself. the best part is, no one knows. well, now you do. the whole bloody world's gotta know this, so that i won't become a living time bomb. bloody satan. bloody, bloody, bloody satan. its not because i am weak. before, i was hurt. then help came and stitched up my wounds. help took care of me till i was able to go out again. then attack came and did its thing. it reopened the wound. thats why i fell down easily this time. it hasn't fully recovered. anyway, back to the post. over the past few weeks, everyone i saw in school was my enemy. even when im not in my school. when walking to a shop or somewhere, i'd clench my fist. giving people the "try me." language. hard face, clenched fists. heck.

"hey, wanna see somethi-" "NO".. i went to revenge mode. i don't get it. people ignored me when i was that happy dude. people scolded me for being happy. no one cared. no one listened. they've got their own friends. i was way too happy. i had to be more serious and emo. try being in my shoes and you'll know. you claim that you know how it feels. bullcrap. wait till it really happens, then you'll REALLY know. i had no friends to share my jokes with. i had no REAL friends. yes, i've said it. i've done my own 'research'. they come to me only when their friends went home. i'm just a simpanan. broken heart. dead body. just like that. now, i shut the hell up for the sake of others. they're tired of scolding me, so am i. tired of trying to fit in. tired of being simpanan. so i made them happy. i shut up. so now, they're the happy ones, and i'm the emo one. so it's fun isn't it? and when i went quiet, they still wanted to have fun. shooting me wasn't enough. they wanted to stab me and dig out everything inside. why? its fun. i told them indirectly that my life sucked because of them, they replied, directly, that it serves me right. that i wasn't good enough. that my life is nothing more than a speck of dust. heck, i even deserved to die.( i'll admit. i cried while thinking of this. that's how much it hurt) yes, they'll pay good money to see me hang from a ceiling fan im sure. what did i ever do wrong? if i were to hang on a cliff, they'd step on my fingers and bloody spit at me till their mouths are dry. i'm really tempted to put their names in here. they've done too much damage. but i don't wish to see their names here. still, after i changed, nothing has. there, my life gone downhill again. this time, worse.

"fine. i understand that you guys hate me. but i have my drea-" "SHUT THE *censored* UP".. so i never got the chance to tell them to leave me alone.

teachers are beginning to know my name. i don't know about what they talked about during teacher's meetings, but something is up. one by one, coming to me and being nice. asking me to 'help the school ya? do good in your studies ya?' i can just offer a smile and a 'yeah' that meant nothing. moniter seniors are coming up to me and being nice to me also. asking me why i suddenly became so quiet. telling me that i was 'very close' to seniorship. i'm not stupid. some bloody person farted the news. people got wind of it. they knew i wanted to quit as a moniter. library teacher, RC teacher, class teacher are the teachers that are 'nice' to me. and they wanted me to stay. for what? to poke fun? that decision is up to me. leave me alone.

my parents. i got nothing much to write about. they aren't the problem this time. part one was caused by them, but not now. they're fine. im fine. just that scoring straight As is more important than achieving my dream. i can only keep quiet, reminding myself that they're my parents. that's it. im done with part bloody 2.. more posts coming if there is more 'negativity'

Back Again? Better Not

2011-04-24T01:06:00.000-07:00

im just afraid. afraid that the same thing that i faced last year will come back.. things are looking down for sure.. lemme just tell you a bit about myself.. not the bright, happy me.. but the dark, quiet me.. if you aren't interested, the red button on the top right corner is there. your choice.. the reason i decided to post this up is because i felt that it would be better for me... heck , im telling the whole world about me here..

everytime in class, during the PJ lessons, when we all change, my friends will suddenly change the conversation topic.. from homework to fitness, from what to eat for recess to muscles, from life to trainings.. its like a science experiment... the moment the bell rings, the topic changes immediately.. its kinda funny though.. anyway, when that topic changes, they suddenly included me in their conversations.. hmm.. questions like "how do you work out that area?", "isn't that a little difficult to do?" to stuff like "walao, last time he so fat, now he thin de.." and "aiseh, somebody got abs lo.. i wonder who".. everyone asks questions and answers them... when my friends ask me, i do the same.. there was one question that i didn't answer 100%.. that question was "why you so buff wan? how and why did u train?" i answered the how part fully.. but not the why part.. here's the whole thing..

why did i work out? why.. the answer i gave to them was "i dunno".. but the reason is, im afraid.. afraid that people will laugh at me, afraid that people will hurt me, afraid that i will become forgotten.. and also, to release all that feelings of hatred, and pain.. last year, for many months, pain, sorrow, anger, hatred and all that negativity was kept in me.. in my room, i'd curse, cry and 'explode' when no one is around.. the good thing is, it has passed.. anyways, i'll continue... i figured out that i can't really do all those things stated if my parents are around.. they'll skin me alive.. not literally, you idiot.. so i resorted to doing push ups and all that.. i even worked out the reasons.. to keep fit, to not get bullied, to be like eminem( yeah, last year, part of my depression was caused by being obsessed)... so i kept on working out and then, walaah.. it paid off.. i was satisfied.. that's where i started to fall even deeper.. i went to ' im not afraid of what u do to me.. i'll pay it back double' mode.. pride.. my face never knew what a smile was.. a fake smile is the best.. i'd go out in public with that 'come near, poke me, and i'll punch you' mode.. satan seems to be doing a good job trying to get me away from God.. cause i got numb.. i didn't care about the world.. example? well, everytime i crossed a road, i would take my own time.. halfway, i'd stare at the driver as if to say " too bad, u just gotta wait for me.. change the radio channels or something" i got a choice.. to walk fast and avoid any angry drivers, or to take my time and face them.. it was really a dangerous thing.. being proud.. i mean, if i had a choice, the driver also had a choice.. to wait patiently, or to just knock me over and drive off... see what i mean? i didn't.. before, i didn't think much about this.. i was too proud.. but now, looking back at my mistakes and laughing at them is the second best thing.. the best thing is not to repeat them again..

next.. if you find an artiste or a song that relates to you, change.. don't listen to them.. don't watch them.. i didn't know it until my pastor told me.. eminem, his songs and life kinda relates to mine... he's been through tons of crap, mine too.. he raps about being in depression, sorrow and pain, i write about it.. see? cause back then i didn't, now i do.. if i am in any pain, i turned to eminem instead of God.. and then i get myself into more pain without realising.. heck, his songs brainwashed me.. life used to be about God and all good things.. forgetting pain and revenge.. i listened to him, and my mind was filled with only revenge, hatred, and curses.. no joke.. satan got smarter than me... and there i am, swimming in a river filled with pollution, and predators.. not knowing a thing.. things looked bad right? sure do

just as i thought i was gonna drown and die, i heard a boat somewhere.. i could hear friendly people laughing and having a good time.. should i call them? should i get help from all the things i faced? should i be free? heck, i wanted to.. but then, satan came again.. he knew that i wanted to escape.. he knew that i was aware of what's happening in my life.. and instead of that 'friendly' person that gave me what i wanted, he turned into a beast... oh crap... so he's the devil.... never mind.. im getting help... but then, those people looked friendly and im the proud type.. im better off dead than facing the crowd and saying sorry... aha!! satan managed to put that thought in my mind.. but he wasn't as 'stealthy' this time... so i trashed violently, screaming for help.. they came.. but the thing is, they had no weapon against that beast that was trying to attack me.. and them.. you get yourself in, you get yourself out.. seriously, if you want to get out of whatever trouble, there are people that are willing to help you.. but it starts with you helping yourself first.. so i still had my hands and my feet.. and the strength which i had trained for.. satan buffed me up to bring the world and myself down.. i did a good job bringing myself down, but now its changed.. so i fought him.. and that's where i prayed.. suddenly, help came... birds pecked hard at that beast, rhinos charged at it.. all the animals came to help!! awesome.. after a while, it ran away... the people in that boat came and pulled me up... man, i was glad...

so i am free.... but.... remember the part about my obsession with eminem? there was a scar... i suddenly liked rap.. and everytime an eminem song came on the radio, one small part of me wants to go back to that dark side... once in a while, i'd turn 'dark' for a while... now, all i gotta do is say 'aw man, not again'... and i fear that small part will grow and turn 'cancerous' again... i don't know.. that feeling... is it just me, or that beast is bugging me once again? its true.. satan's using rap again to bring me down.. many songs now are nice to hear, and whats nice to me, might have worms in it...

Mini Thaipusam Duty

2011-04-21T08:09:00.000-07:00

Last saturday, after youth service ended, i got a message.. it said something like " can u come for tomorrow's duty? its some mini thaipusam event.. 8 to around 4.. u will be paid rm20.." i kinda panicked because i just saw that message after service ended which was around near 10 or something.. in my heart, " i wanna come.. thaipusams are fun always.. many things to do.. but... the last few weeks ago i promised my mom that the Save Water duty would be my last".. i replied the message with " can u hold on a while? i gotta ask my mom first.. will tell u asap, around latest by 1030.." he(boon tsann) said ok.. i waited as i got closer to home.. while in the car, my heart was racing.. i PROMISED that my last duty was weeks ago.. now another one, and its a little late to say no to boon tsann.. while in the car, i prayed that my mom will allow... as i reached home, i got really nervous.. finally the time came, i pretended to ask some random question.. after all, i can't just ask her like that.. i gotta do some detective work.. by the way she answers my questions; the tone of her voice, etc, i concluded that shw wasn't in a bad mood or anything.. but that would need some begging and all for her to say yes.. i breathed in, and
me: tomorrrow duty, got some mini thaipusam event... got rm20 le... can go ar?
mum: *paused to let the words sink in*... (starts nagging about my future, pmr, studies and indirectly trying to say no)
me: yeah la, i know, but this one a little too late to sy cannot de ar.. they need one more person nia.. got rm20 u know?
mum: (nagging, naggin,nagin, nag,nag,neg,nehg, nag)
me: so can ar?
mum:(nag...) but u have to ask dad to fetch you la.. i got something to do tomorrow..
thats the answer i wanted.. a yes, and i immediately replied while running up.. happy.. suddenly blood sugar level high.. suddenly active.. suddenly high.. the effects of interesting duties on me... set my alarm for 6 something... i gotta be at hq by 730 am next day.. slept

woke up and found that it was too bright to be a 6 something... panicked.. checked the clock, and it was 7:01 am... safe.. still safe... quickly bathed and woke my mom who suddenly said that she can fetch the night before... reached around 740... just in time... the ambulance was gonna move out of hq.. only 2 vehicles.. ambulance and 4WD or something.. went in the ambulance and was excited at seeing all those stuff in the vehicle, then only realising that my friends are there too... more reason to get higher.. ambulance was really cool.. i could stay in there.. it was cooling, dark.. and all that oxygen masks, stretcher, collars, bandages, and equipment.. wow... its like a kid and a sweetshop.. i don't know if my friends sensed that something was wrong with their usually not-so-high friend.. only five of us went, and only our school went.. me, hung chan, chuin yen, chong wen and boon tsann..

our first case wasn't related to thaipusam or any celebration.. it was a cyclist who fell down near masyarakat penyayang.... it was at the turn that is the last one before entering waterfall area.. the ambulance didn't stop at first and i was like "duuuuuuddddeeeeee......" then it did.. OHYEAH!!! casualty NO.1!! as i was sitting nearest to the door, i went out, followed by boon tsann.. the other 3 stayed back... turned out it was just a scraped knee, elbow, and that sort.. sigh... break a bone or something.... oops... can't believe i said that.. anyway, after it was done, we reached the destination.. the medical base tent is already there.. time to unload the vehicles and set up that sugarland!! lollipops, ice creams, sweets.. uh, i meant, 2 stretcher beds, one $1500+ AED, pulse rate checker, oxygeb tank, mask, and etc.. ahh... i could just live in this tent.. joking.. then the VAD people told the 5 of us to go up the hilltop where another station was set up.. only 2 stations.. base, and hilltop... the funner place.. we got 2 walkie talkies... one for rondaan, one for station..

so the whole morning, nothing happened.. went to facebook, took a few photos, prepared the FA kit, wait.. then around 10am or so, someone called.. i and (i forgot who) went out.. i had the talkie in my hand..and FA kit is with the dude with me.. i saw the casualty and then one of the people told me he fainted.. wait. something isn't right.. casualty is sweating a bathtub, he seems weak, and his eyes were like between opening and closing.. its over the "fainting" line.. something else caused him to faint.. then i remembered last year, when i was in form 2, same duty, same symptoms.. Is this dude having hypoglycaemia(low sugar level)? as if on cue, one man who was trying to get help said something about diabetic patient and sweet drink... bingo... but i didn't see any medical bracelet.. never mind.. i had that talkie in my hand, and i have used it before.. it should be alright..
me: hilltop to base, hilltop to base, got one casualty who just fainted and has low sugar levels.. over
base: base to hilltop, we are sending someone up now.. what's the condition of the casualty?
m: casualty is conscious, able to talk.. just suspect low sugar nia
b: ok, he is on his way up there.. where are you?
m: somewhere outside the tent.. in front of the temple exit door
b: ok.
that man who was getting help was a nurse it seems..
me: sir, is he ok? can you tell me what happened and what is he suffering from? they are sending someone up here already
man: he is ok.. i need some sweet food or drinks. something sweet.. he has diabetes.. and his blood sugar is low..
me: ok, leave that to us now... thanks, u can go... and stop talking to us like we did something wrong..alright.. i already told the base an--
man: I NEED SOMETHING SWEET... I AM A NURSE HERE.. YOU DON'T JUST STAND HERE AND DO NOTHING!! WHERES THE GUY??!!
me:macha, we jus arrived la dei... u can go now... stop causing a commotion.. they are sending the guy up, on his way de..

suddenly, 3 VAD members came.. whew... saved the last skin cell alive on my butt.. they did their thing, and after a while, it was decided that the casualty had to be transported down.. we had the same transportation blanket as last year.. here's the challenge.. that guy is some big bob... and to carry him down in the hot sun, 250 steps down is a joke figuratively, but literally, you'd be too tired to laugh.. even a "ha" is considered a big effort.. i didn't carry him down although i wanted to because another guy called.. a person fainted in the temple.. when i came out, they were halfway down... sigh... stayed behind, but i got a chance to carry a casualty down later

the other cases were normal, fainting, asthma without inhalers, minor cuts and all that..

then came one interesting one... one woman carried in like that to the tent and the dudes told us that she complained of a pain in the chest.. this time, at least 3 VAD members were with us as there were many casualties in the hilltop compared to base.. after a few minutes of momitering her condition, we agreed that she had to be carried down again... out comes the blanket again.. when her husband saw us getting ready to transport her down, he cried... not some "boo hoo hoo.." it was a real man's tears.. so much love between them it seems.. their daughter was slapping her mother... to keep her awake, not for fun... cause her response levels were going down...... chest pain, response not good = heart prob... transported her down.. the whole time my fingers were slipping off.. it wasn't easy to carry a 42 year old woman down 250+ steps and trying to keep her awake at the same time.. luckily there was a loop that i placed my wrists into.. my fingers slipped, and the weight on my part was pulling on my wrist... no dislocations thankfully, but boy, was she heavy... reached the base and VAD was getting the ambulance ready... i ran up to the hilltop again.. why? 5 members, 4 of us went down, 1 left alone up there.. the other 3 rested and had their pulse rate checked for fun.. i ran up.. when i got up, at least it was better.. tired to heck but, it was all good.. i saw a boy with a dressing on his nose... went to chuin yen and asked why.. he is the stim-stim type wan, so i jus wanna make sure.. he said the boy fell on a tap... WHATTAHECK???!! i went over to the boy and asked him to opened the dressing to check the wound.. it looked like a stitch removed from a wound.. that scar.. it also looked like a dent on his face.. i saw that it was being forced in until the skin kinda tore and walaah... he said there wasn't much pain.. hmm... i went over to his dad and told him that if he feels the pain within the next day or two, he should go to a clinic to check.. after all, he really fell down on a tap.. was trying to wash his hands when something fell off.. bent to pick it up manatau, pooop.... terkena satu...

that boy was kinda like the last casualty.. after a while, it was 4... i was sad... duty over... sigh... never mind.. at least i still got rm 20 and a really fun day.. and, we got to sit on that 4WD.. not inside, but outside... the back compartment there... cool.... now, next duty please....

2011-04-08T02:50:00.000-07:00

*the events that happened are not in order.. the memory span of the writer has been shortened from 2 weeks to just few days.. he begs for forgiveness if it looks 'messy'

since the start of April, many things has happened.. first, my anti-christian(seems to me) friend asked "what will happen if i don't believe in God?".. seems like a normal thing.. nope.. i prayed for him to be saved the day before, and the next day, he asked that question.. then theres Bro. Michael's funeral service. i don't really know him, but that didn't stop me from signing up to be guard of honour.. i have lots of homework not done, and the time i go out for that duty is somewhere during maths time.. i'll come to that later.. anyways, we had to stand for like 1 hour maybe before the ashes passed by.. i saw a man staring at me, but i didn't know who he was.. he is really freaking me out, until he came closer and i found out who it was... my dad... lol.. when all of that was done, we got 35 minutes of recess( our recess time was over de that time, so we got a longer break after).. and when i went back to class, maths is over... yeahs!! cos i got a ton of work ont done.. the teacher is crazy cos he gives too much work.. cool, maths is over... happy.. then school finishes, drinnnnnnnggggggggg.. the school came back to life.. from zombies to party people, from rotten wood to a rushing waterfall.... then badminton club.. i skipped it.... don't tell anyone.. waited till 3:10 and decided to go to the field.. its a good time.. all my friends are gone playing badminton, im alone.. towards the end of the field, theres always a good breeze and the sound of waves crashing.. and i had my phone and earphones ready.. got there, changed and kamikazed to the end, except that i didn't explode or something... sat down, played some christian songs.. i only had 6 of them.. sad right?.. since i downloaded the songs, it kinda helped me to change, slowly but surely.. listening to the songs that are played on the radio and listening to the ones that are not played on the radio are a big difference.. so i sat at the end there, earphone in where they're supposed to be, and I close my eyes and just waited.. for what? for something to happen.. first, a picture began to form in my head.. i know that it isn't my mind playing tricks, cause it felt 'alive'.. my mind is normally dead after school.. so it isn't my mind.. everything around me dropped into a dark abyss below.. just me sitting down.. the concrete slab is quite small.. one wrong move and i would have fallen down into that darkness... i looked around and saw mountains... they looked small but it is because they were far away... and then, i felt small... that's all... then i felt sand on my face.. i opened my eyes, and saw a group of people very near, with one or two standing up.. i could hear them laughing.. no doubt its them who threw the sand at me.. cause i was facing the sea and there wasnt any sand for the wind to blow... ignored them and closed my eyes again.. sand once, sand twice, sand thrice... the beast in me wanted to get up and with the help of my imagination, whip out a gun and shoot them all like in a game.. but that voice in my head said "its your quiet time, ignore them.. no point picking a fight with them... they're a group and you're alone.. they're form 4 and you're form 3.. and it's not in your blood to fight.." then i felt a kick behind me... i ignored that kick, then, someone was calling me.. i opened my eyes and saw my friend sitting beside me... he just came... and it wasnt his type to throw sand at people.. cool... got picked for shot-putt in sukan tara.. no way im gonna represent my house in shot putt... i want javelin.. shot putt dudes are heavyweight champions and im just a toothpick.. javelin is my type... i mean, its cool to hold a javelin and throw it.. :P.. i think thats all for the week... theres more, but i just can't remember.. maybe.. hmm

Merentas Desa 2011

2011-04-01T04:11:00.000-07:00

well, this year, i did not run again.. as usual, RC duty.. hehe.. since form 1 i did not run, but next year maybe i'm going to run.... same for form 5.. was positioned at the base there.. the starting point and ending point.. i thought it would be boring, cause once it starts, everyone goes and then boredom for about 30 minutes.. then when it ends, the best casualties were most probably having cramps nia.. that's what i thought.. i even hoped that someone would actually fall and break a bone or something... forgive me.. =D.. cause duties are gonna be boring unless something happens.. the first casualty came to me before the run started.. he slipped on the slippery pavement and got a cut on his eyebrow.. you can see the 'depth' on his forehead where the cut is... i can't dettol it cause the solution would drip down and into his eye.. not gonna take that risk.. and, it would be really pain.. someone said use alcohol swab.. not bad eh... i didn't thought of that.. got the wound cleaned up and plastered it... he didn't shout in pain or something that a normal dude would do... cool... then after that, we took our stuff and went to the middle part of the field, kinda.. now, no casualties, teaching time.. cause the other 4 members in my group don't really know FA.. took out the FA kit and told them what was for what, where, why, when, and how.. then took out the stretcher and opened it.. now we're all good.. we didn't actually thought that we would use the stretcher, but we did.. after a while, one girl came in and after reaching the finishing line, fainted... not good... cause she fainted in the middle, blocking the finishing line entrance.. we checked to see if she was ok.. i was quite nervous actually, cause no one else knows... at first, i thought that she was just tired and all that normal crap.. manatau, i realised that the breathing was not normal.. she was wheezing, and she had difficulty speaking.. even just a word.. i can't hear her properly.. her eyes were like opening and shutting all the time... this carried for a while, longer than a normal "im tired, lemme rest here" case.. then i heard her friend or someone said "asthma"... uh oh... never mind... get her out of the way and nearer to the shade first.. the 4 members i had with me weren't bad.. when i looked up and was gonna say "get the stretcher", i couldn't, cause it was beside me already.. cool... with the help of several teachers we manage to get her on the stretcher.. carried to the trees area where our FA kit is.. while carrying, i was thinking " if she has asthma, why would she want to run during an attack( she was one of the earliest runners)? and where is her inhaler? why isn't she using it?" the stretcher was already on the ground... again, we got her out from the stretcher and on the ground... recovery position.. the teachers did their part by asking her to breathe slowly and all that.. it will actually help... after a while, i asked for her inhaler.. she mouthed some words.. couldn't figure out what she was trying to say.. i let her rest a while more, while thinking if we should call the ambulance.. after a while, i asked again... she told me her inhaler has expired... arghh!!!... bad.... really bad... finally the RC teacher came... and he was gonna take her to the ambulance, but then her breathing got better and better... good.... i left her to the teacher.. but work's not over yet.. the other 4 members are busy attending to the others who came in... cramps and all that sort.. went to one dude, he took off his shoe and socks and told me that there is a cramp on his sole there.. ohmygosh... of all the places, the sole.. after all that sweat, he took off his socks and shoes and asked me to touch the sole... fine.. no problem... i've been doing these stuff for too many times.. just have to wash it later, and my hands are clean ok? lol.. then one of the member came and asked me to attend to another casualty who had cramps in the same place... i told him to do it as i was busy.. he asked if he could wear a glove first.. "no way im touching that dude's feet.." his facial expressions told me that... " no.. no gloves... just go do it... see? my hands are on his feet... why can't you? XP" then the next guy who came to me had a cramp on his calf.. the reason why i put this guy in here was because... his legs were damn foresty, jungly hairy.. no offence to anyone... but it was really funny... until i realised that i had to treat him... lol.... my hands are clean now, don't worry... XD.. then no casualties after about 30 minutes since the girl's case... then, we heard the sound of rain, but i didn't feel any raindrops.. i saw the rain falling on the other half of the field and i thought " WOAH, cool wei.." that side, a few metres away from where we were standing, it was raining.. our side, no rain at all.. then it got closer, and closer and CLOSER and the first drop on my head.. then the others followed... took shelter in some of the umbrellas that other people brought.. got all wet and stuff, didn't see where i was going, stepped in the mud again, like on wednesday.. shoes muddy and my white pants a whole lot dirtier than before... my mom's gonna kill me.... never mind, i wash it myself later... then it was time to dismiss... went to the playground and had some kiddy fun... long time no play that stuff... hehe.. then about one hour later , mom came. went home, washed the whole uniform.. now hoping that it would dry before tomorrow,.. i need it for guard-of-honour duty at the HQ.. form 1s having their mass enrolment.... then sunday from 8 to 4, im going to relau or another duty... some water festival event... all the benefits are included.. money, t-shirt, food... cool... and its something to do with FA too... :)

tick tock

2011-03-31T09:24:00.000-07:00

this week is kinda crazy.. there's anger, sadness, joy, laughter, stress and love.. as if each day has one of the emotions stated.. monday, i got really quiet.. i just asked the class to pass up science notes book, exercise and experiment books.. 3 books per person.. times with around 42 people in class.. everyone just rushed at me as though they're bulls and im holding a red cloth.. i divided the books accordingly into 3 piles, but everyone just didn't care.. everything was a blur, then the BM teacher came.. she told me to collect later.. as if i didn't know that.. screw the arrangement.. took everything to my table and sat there thinking "why the heck did i even wanted to be a moniter?" there wasn't much place left to write.. then the homework came.. i felt like keeping that piece of paper and burning it up for winter... got really pissed at that time.. sat in my place staring at the wall, head on the table, kinda.. the remaining students who didn't pass up yet came to do so.. the pile was increasing.. so was my stress level.. finally managed to arrange everything in order.. took the thing to the teacher's place after the school bell rang.. next stop would normally be the canteen, but i went to the form teacher's table...
me: sir, i wanna quit moniter de la..
teacher: aiyah.. cannot la... why? u do moniter job very good wad.. responsible.. i see in class ar, no one can replace de
m: cannot la.. very tired de..
t: why tired?
m: (hesitant to say it, bt finally did) cause the assistant moniter not really doing his job la.. i have to remind him of his duties and all that.. somemore he always join his friends contribute to noise levels, etc.. end up i the one kena blame
t: i know he is not really good as an assistant moniter.. many teacher complain de.. never mind la, you give me a piece of paper with the calon-calon assistant moniter la.. i will change..

That would mean i still remain as a class moniter... sigh.. i'm actually fine with being a moniter, its just that the camps like the Junior Leadership Training Camp, the recess time duties and boards meetings are killing me... i'm committed to help my class in whatever way i can, but not committed to Boards of disciplinarians.. just not my type.. my whole day gone just like that... silence from me...

Tuesday, got boards meeting and didn't get promoted.. the best news since the week started.. i don't wanna get senior badge.. makes it even worse..

Wednesday, teacher asked me to buy a box of condoms for science subject.. funny day... can't she like buy it herself? she's over 18 de wad.. but still, i wanted to go cause i wanna see the cashier's reaction later.. it would be funny...
me: teacher, i can go buy ah...
t: or no need la--
m: T.T
t: -- you can go ask from ur dad
m: 0.o........ cannot la wei.. damn awkward la.. i think buy better... scared my dad slap me one time..
t: (laughs)... ok la.. ey, if can buy the one with flavour wan ar
m: WHAT??!!
t: ya la.... let u all smell...
m: (barf)
t: really la... but don't buy strawberry.. i 'allergic'.. orange or something la
m: 0.o..... oh....kay............................................ o.0

when school ended, i went to 7 eleven with my friend behind the school.. i went in and was suddenly nervous and laughing at the same time.. my friend pretended not to know me and went to look at the magazines.. idiot... leave me alone here... lol... randomly took a box and places it on the table.. the cashier looked at me, then down at the box.. then she looked up again, and pretended i wasn't there.. i waved at her and pointed down..
$: tak boleh, belum 18 tahun
m: ini untuk science punya..
$: betul kah
m: *duh* ya la.. form 3 chapter 4
$: tak boleh.. uh-uh
m: omygosh!!!
$: (stare at me)
m:bagaimana ar?
$: lu pi ambil chop atau tandatangan guru dulu, baru mai
m: sigh... okok.. pasti ah?
$: pasti
m:confirm ah?
$: confirm
m:sure?
$: (laugh) sure..

went back to get the teacher's chop... went back to 7 eleven again
$: (look at the paper, laughed) ok.. pilih yang mana kamu suka
m: * why ask me to pick which one i LIKE somemore wan?* random pick again

after that, we went back laughing all the way... put it on the teacher's table and the teacher laughed also... seriously... made my day... XD.. then time for house practice.. stepped on mud and my shoe was brown.. ran to the pipe and washed it off.. now my shoe and socks wet... sigh... everytime i walked, slosh sloshydee sluush squarrsh... it was raining...

thursday(today), something happened that made me glad.. its about the boy who followed me to 7 eleven yesterday.. he was kinda emo dude.. very quiet and all.. everytime i looked at him, he gave me an impression of emptiness and darkness.. then a few weeks back when the teacher asked who got anorexia, dyslexia, imsomnia etc for an exercise, he said he cant sleep.. was sweating everytime he tried to.. and his msn updates are all emo.. e.g : "lets go skydiving..... without the parachute" and all suicidal intentions.. i got kinda worried for him, and prayed or him last night that he would just listen to me and come to church.. 2 years back, me and ken jeen tried but he was stubborn.. this year, i'm going to keep trying again.. then today at school, he asked "what happens when i dun believe in God?"(he said to me that he has no religion.. he doesn't want anything/one in his life).. he said that life is pointless, that we worked very hard and in the end, all will die... that's why his emo updates of suicide are there.. i argued with him that his life would change, if he come to church and believe for a change.. i promised him that.. just one night of believing, one night of throwing all those suicidal thoughts.. and his life will take on a new direction.. a better one.. the best response was " see first".. it was good enough for me.. i will keep trying till he says yes.. cause i felt that in his life, the giants he is facing are waaaaaaaaaay bigger than mine.. that darkness everytime i looked at him, will soon fade away.. life will find a new meaning... and he's not going to go to hell broken hearted and depressed.. he is going to heaven happy and satisfied.. this i want to make sure of by the end of 2011.. its a life, not some ragdoll.. im going to tell this to my pastor when i meet him on saturday and see what needs to be done... :D Praise the Lord!!

flag day 2011

2011-03-26T05:59:00.000-07:00

It didn't turn out to be what i wanted it to be. total opposite.. arrived in front of tan mark bookstore at 6:20 am.. waited for members to come. they came at 7.. one by one.. all was there except for 2 people. finally, it was beginning to be late. 7:30 and everyone had left. only me and arvien, who was gonna be my best friend for the day. i chose to stay behind and wait for the other 2 members cause i was the assistant. ken jeen was the person in charge, and if he stayed instead of me, he would have collected less, which means he would get it harder from the 'elite' people in unit 7. 8am, half an hour after everyone left, the form 4 boy i was waiting for came. he stays at PISA area, and he comes to pulau tikus.. tambahan pula, he woke up late. signed his name and asked him to join his friends. now, one more boy to go. i was a bit pissed as he was a corporal and a committee member and i had to wait for him. waited till 7:15 and i decided it was time to leave and collect. the thing is, collection was suppose to start at 7 am sharp. 8:15 only i started to collect. bad start. by 8:15, based on the last 2 years' experience, i would have collected quarter tin. now, only 2 coins in that tin. made lots of rounds around the market. next year, im going to batu lanchang market. i went there last year, and its a whole lot bigger than this. 12 pm, gathered at the same meeting place. my tin isn't even half full. here's why. its raining. sometimes drizzling and sometimes heavily. 2. people who chose to go to gurney to collect came to our place cause gurney no one. 3. i started really late. that's why. hard luck isn't it? no, i don't believe in luck. pui. after that, went to prangin for lunch at mcD. the fake plastic clown came to life. took a picture with him. its on facebook. then walked all the way to chowrasta market. last year, it was full of people. that mental picture of people walking about with a few coins in their hands waiting to give it to whoever who asks first was promising. when we reached, the four of us, ying le, shin liang, me and arvien were wet. as if the people there gave a damn about 4 red crescent dogs sent to fake a smile and steal money from them(sarcasm). we had to walk under the clouds, sky and rain. they blocked the sheltered parts. fine. reached a place opposite the police station. it was our meeting point. from there, me and arvien went to one side, ying le and shin liang went to another. we went inside the shops area. it was kinda empty. time for a test. it always works. you ask for donation at one place from a person, it kinda shows you who would actually care. i asked a woman who seemed to be doing nothing. not a shop ower definitely(never mess with shop owners).. she just walked past and said nothing. it was fake news. i swear i saw her cursing me in her mind.. masked villians... lab report: best place to get ignored and to feel stupid. i walked out. as i did, arvien came to me and said that he asked another woman and she scolded him a word i wouldn't wanna put in here. no joke. went all the way to another market nearby.. quite far too.. got really drenched. as usual. boys wearing the white uniform with a red crescent emblem is not gonna get anything except the rain and sun. somehow, its always boys who kena wan.. well, not always, but nearly always.. hmm.. still fine with that. but my shoes are beginning to get soggy. not good. went back to the meeting point and called shin liang. he said he was lost... never mind. me and arv went walking around penang's maze. finally found them. walked to angel's cafe behind school... totally drenched. no one gave anything. fine. ran back to school. ying le's dad, the principal isn't there.. sat at the ping pong area resting our tired feet.. shivering too... it was raining really hard de.. my phone isn't wet.. the best news i knew of since the day started. was going to run under the really heavy rain to the nearest bus stop and take rapid to HQ. good news. principal returned. i let my friend do the talking to his dad, and we managed to get in the car. the first word that came to my mind was "bloody" the second was "hell".. cause the air con was on.. and the principal faced it to me. i sat somewhere in the middle. i just kept quiet.. in fact, the whole car was quiet. cause one wrong word and something bad might happen.. its the principal after all. finally reached HQ after a while.. so happy to get out of that cold car.. went into the hall and once again, "bloody hell" came to my mind. this time, i whispered it out.. cause the hall was much colder than the car.. i think there were 6 or 8 aircons blasting cold air. the fan was at the highest level and the temperature was at its lowest.. at least it seemed to be so. lined up and when my turn came, elites stared at me.. they couldn't believe that i collected less than half the tin. 0.6 kg.. first tin. had to explain the whole thing.. really was damn down.. it was a mix of frustration, sadness, anger, and stress.. i shall call it frusadgeress.. frusadgeress made me forget about how cold the hall is.. it was really not nice.. it was great disappointment for me. the whole day, all the waiting, all the shivering, all the pain and i only got 0.6 kg.. it doesn't end there. i got a whole lot of insults aimed at me. and no, i didn't see that coming. went out of the hall and wait for my mom. took out the earphone, introduced it to my ear, and they became best friends instantly. i have had enough for today. and for the third time, when i thought about what is going to happen tomorrow, hell became bloody again.. as if on cue, my mom came...

Priceless or not?

2011-03-20T08:18:00.000-07:00

As i type this, i shut everything out. leaving space in this post for my thoughts and my heart. If i said anything wrong, forgive me. the things that are mentioned here are not to be taken literally.

In a song that Jessie J sang, it said that everyone is free. just free. not bound by anything, not price tagged. and in the Bible, it said the same. everyone is free. not bound, not price tagged. bought back by the love of Jesus. i am free. you are free. he is free. she is free. we are free. they are free. unchained. released. we can dance, we can sing, we can run, we are free. i wondered when the fun will ever stop. cause its just... fun... i don't want it to stop. there wasn't much pressure. but things changed. the road came to a dead end. the river came to a waterfall. the fields came to a cliff. the rainbows disappeared. flowers wilted to a horrible yellow. birds stopped singing. it just stopped suddenly. snap, and its all gone. now, i don't have to wonder when the fun will stop, cause it just did. then, a heatwave. sandstorm. tornado. tsunami. earthquake. all at once. my skin is peeling from the heat. my nose is plugged by the sand. i am tossed around like a ragdoll. nothing more. pressure. killjoy. it used to be from my dad who caused the pain. things have gotten better. on the friendliness scale, i'd say he's on the cool level. but now, things are opposite. mom. she's throwing loads of heavy sacks on my shoulders. giving me a backache before i even reach 45 years of age.. PMR is more than 5 months away. and she reconstructed the whole sentence to PMR is less than 7 months away nia. and she's taking delight in locking me in my room whenever possible.. it used to be her worrying about why i locked my door, but now, its changed. finding excuses for me not to go anywhere not important. wedding dinners, though i don't really like it, i used to have to go. now, its i stay and study. church and school activities, she told me of how she was a high ranking person when she was in school and wanted me to be one too. now she's begging me to cut down. all this time i wondered what has gotten into her mind. yes, she went over. way over. but she's still there, floating on air, not falling down. staring at me.. PMR.. 7 sets of papers, a table, a chair, me, a pencil, eraser, ruler, the clock and the invigilators. grounding me just for the sake of getting an A for each set of paper. she's done a wonderful job.. im grounded till im fine peanut. not coarse ones. good enough to put in ais kacang. once the wind blows, i fly. fine grounded peanut. that's the price i have on me. the bar code isn't scanned yet. im still at the shop. yeah. im giving her a whole lot of stress for a grounded peanut like me. a whole lot. it seems i have added more wrinkles on her face than she does to me. people are always hearing her part of the story and not mine. what am i after all. just a 15 year old kid, empty, stupid, unprepared to face the world. who the hell should listen to me? listen to her. she's my mom. she knows better. i tried to lend my hand to the society, to help. she slapped it down and said no thanks. after a while, she took my hand up and put a whole stack of books that read "geography, history, english, maths, science" and a whole lot more. she wanted me to go overseas college. leave her here alone so that i won't add any more wrinkles to her face. get a piece of rolled up paper with a red string tied to it. hold it in my hands, wearing a black coat with a rectangular hat and faking a smile to the cameraman. then what? what is it she wants me to become? she talks study and college, and a good life with green paper and a president's face on it. but where do i go after college? where did i get my green paper from? she did not say. engineering maybe. but where is geography and history related to it. obviously she didn't put those revision books on my hand for nothing. that just means that i wasted half of my life studying the thing that i would not even get involved in. joke. and im laughing. joke again. all i want is to go out, wear a red cross emblem on my shirt, and hold a box with medical stuff. that's what happens if no one listens to my part of the story. they don't know. and they purposely break their equipment and wait for me to graduate with that fake smile and later expect me to fix their stuff for them. but it never happened. they see me wearing a red cross emblem and start cursing me. not where they thought i would go. why? no one listens. a happy mother shouting over the hailer that her son is going to be an engineer, but the son is nowhere to be found. hiding in a corner reading the first aid manual like its a forbidden book. sure, she wants me to succeed and get my green paper. and i sincerely thank her for her concern and all. but its not what i want to do. its just not me. unless she wants me to be a zombie. hating my job, but knowing i had to do it because i got a family and myself to feed. i don't mind starving till death do me and food part. i just want to die empty. like what Pastor Andy said in last year's Influenza camp. die young no matter. die empty matters. i just want to help dudes whose lives are messed. drugs, disaster, wars. no green paper no matter. im sick of this. fine. go break all your stuff and wait for zombie lester to fix it. but i won't die and reanimate. im not a voodoo person. im not an alien pandemic victim. go ahead. curse me till your mouths are dry. curse me till you sleep. i will still be happy wearing that emblem, holding that box, helping them. sheesh

Waves

2011-03-17T08:45:00.000-07:00

Earth's expiry date is coming soon.. For those who are going to make it to see the new Heaven and Earth, be glad. For those who aren't gonna make it, there is still time. Its not even the middle of 2011 yet, just 3 months into it and things happen. Fast. Japan had an 8.9 which was later 'upgraded' to 9.0 mag earthquake, followed by a deadly tsunami which killed, injured, and left many lives homeless, as if it wasn't enough, their nuclear plant went nuts, making Japan experience another kinda like a world war 2 scene, where radiation is everywhere. Then, a blizzard. That is seriously a open wound, and not just a bruise. Then, there's the earthquake at Christchurch, NZ. Residents are fed up and most of them wanna leave for good. Their words. Natural disasters aside, the Middle East is having a sandstorm as well.. Egypt and Libya.. They went anti government. And its just March 2011. I didn't say that I believed that 2012 mumbo jumbo from ancient dudes. But one thing I think I know, is that the time is coming soon. No one knows when, not spiderman, not superman. When it happens, we'll all know. If you see a doomsdayer knocking on your car window shouting " THE END IS NEAR, SAVE YOURSELVES!!" ask him if he wants food or water. If no, drive off.. It works.. ITS NONSENSE!! After seeing the state that Japan is in, something in me is stirring.. I close my eyes, all I see is helpers, first aiders, paramedics, doctors, nurses, ambulances, first aid kits, voluntary societies. All of them, working together in a disaster zone, not giving a care about what the world thinks of them. Not arguing over whose treatment method is better and wasting more time, but helping, just bekerjasama-ing. It made me wanna just leave school, tell my family and friends that I'll be gone for long, maybe till I die, and heading out to them. To there. That's where I wanna go. That's where I felt that I'm needed. No way I'm gonna stand at Mcdonalds' counter taking orders. No way I'm gonna sit in a government office answering calls. Never. I don't think I am called to do that. It's not in my blood. Last time I checked, the doctor thought I was his long lost son, nah just joking. If we could all just be a 'tsunami' for these people. A tsunami that wouldn't bring tears, grief, sorrow and pain, but a tsunami that carries joy, love, care, and kindness along. Let the waves be crystal clear, and not muddy.

RC Orientation Camp 2011

2011-02-26T23:07:00.000-08:00

its probably the first orientation camp, cause I don't think so I've heard of them before. yesterday was the first day which was on the 26 feb. 7 am reached the school hall. i was really excited for some reason. i don't even know why.. then it started with a small intro, then breakfast, after that a photography session first... weird.. anyways, the rest of the day was 'boring' for me.. no rest, etc and i was really tired and sleepy.. then came the time to teach about RC history. i only taught about the emblems of RC. 3 pages.. haha.. then nighttime, came the time for the test. just kinda like a spot test thingy.. we don't have to take it.. whee... cause i'd forgotten everything bout the history of red crescent. nearly.. then around 10 pm, i was dead tired already, but there was stil one more programme.. reflection.. they offed the lights, and played some piano music.. not good for me.. motivational programme to sleep nia... boon tsann was doing his part on the reflection thing.. i sat upright at first, listening while closing my eyes.. he asked us to do so.. i 'slept' once or twice.. that state where you could hear the surroundings, but your mind is somewhere.. uhm, zombie mode? then i opened my eyes and looked around.. i saw chong howe beside me lying down, behind me some people are lying down too... so i did the same.. and then..... i became a caped superhero going out to save the world... "DEI, wake up".. i did... the lights were on.. some of my friends were looking at me... I wish i was dead now... i looked back at boon tsann.. he wasnt looking at me... safe.... the dude who woke me up told me that they had just on the lights when he realised that i was 'hibernating'.. just in time... ok, i wish myself back to life.. then supper. i skipped it... milo and biscuits... hmph... bathe better... came out and was feeling really refreshed... sleeptime, but i did not sleep yet... the members slept already.. i opened a pack of chips i bought from the canteen earlier and ate one by one.. looking at the innocent young souls, sleeping... i took out my dagger.. they didn't know what was coming when they decided to sleep.. went to one of them and raised it above his chest.. joking.. i ate the chips while looking at them and outside the window at the cars passing by.. threw away the empty packet after and took out my earphone and played music.. went online too.. there was free wifi.. no passwords required.. then about 2 am, after my friend borrowed the earphone, i had no choice.. the world needs my help again.. im back as that caped dude.. 4 am woke up to find that mosquitoes cant resist temptation.. i was too sexy for them.. next time, im wearing a shirt to sleep no matter how warm it is.. went online at 4, then back to sleep. woke up again at dark o clock to scratch the bites.. i can tell that many of them have a crush on me and are trying to get my attention... idiots.. ignored them and left them with a broken heart, but who cares? not even me.. morning come, and they gave up on trying to ask me out.. good.. no blood lost.. just mosquito teeth marks.. idiots... went to pom pom, and then for morning exercise.. breakfast, and then pack up, then talk, then wait a while, then dismiss.. then phone battery out, just as i was gonna call my dad to pick me up.. used kenjeen's phone and waited again... make fun of a friend and he chased, i ran, he chased, i ran, he chased, i ran... finally i stopped, and made peace.. that dude was really funny.. he said ok immediately.. i laffed hard inside for some reason.... went back home and here i am, blogging about the camp..

I-still-dunno-what-to-name-this-song-and-post

2011-01-30T07:48:00.000-08:00

There used to be a time when mankind was doomed to go hell
It all started when the first man took the apple that's when men fell
Though God did all good for em they still wanna rebel
Till today gettin money driving new wheels and searchin for gals
Is that what they call livin they life
How could it be when there isn't Christ in they life?
"Don't mess with me unless you wanna die, ok this is it, say your last goodbye"
Don't you hear this in movies, songs? They from the bad guys
Takin drugs, smokin weed, dude, all of that is so fly
Wait till they see what shall happen, c'mon, the heavens cried
Workin for bread on a shift everyday from nine to five
Doesn't believe that Jesus fed a thousand times by five?
Listen, (shhh) the wails of people that are bout to die
They can be saved, only if we'll just bring them to Christ

God is awesome. Don't believe? This is the story behind this verse.

It was January 30, which is today, nighttime. around 9:45. I had nothing to do, so I just went Youtube. The song "I'm Coming Home" by Diddy Dirty Money(I dunno who actually) was being played on the radio. So, when I heard the song, I was like, "Hey, nice beats there" since I was on Youtube, i decided to see the instrumental version* of the song. It was a nice one. Then, suddenly, the first line of this verse came to my head. The other lines then kept coming one by one. It was kinda like a scanner. It just came. One by one. But they weren't complete. Just the "main points"**. I found that the lines kinda fitted in with the instrumental. I knew it wasn't me. I couldn't have thought of a whole verse in just 30 minutes. I was filled with awe. Seriously. Just 30 minutes. I can't feel His presence, but there was something there, like a voice or something.. WOW.. The last song i wrote hasn't been completed yet. I'm really in awe of Him now... boom. oh, the speed is normal.. like the normal raps u hear in the radio, that speed.. wow again

* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ00bY_5ggE

** it came like this:(ex: line9) drugs-smoke-cool.. From there, it was kinda translated..

Thaipusam 2011

2011-01-20T01:53:00.000-08:00

ohyeah!! The funnest duty of the year is here again!! fun because there would be many casualties to attend to... that's what I thought.. this year, not many people are careless.. Even on the hilltop where it was kinda famous for people to get injured, wasn't getting much business.. i was stationed at the riverside, somewhere further from the main medical base.. the worst casualty had a seizure, aka fits.. yeah, we confirmed that cause i read about that a few minutes before they called us.. coincidence.. the others knew too.. the dude peed in his pants and most probably shit cos i smelt all of that and it was ___________. he had froth coming from his mouth, he was kinda like 'jerking' as though someone tasered him, and after a while, his muscles seemed to relax. fits. i had the walkie talkie and it was the best thing i held.. "uh, station 6, station 6 to medical base.. got one man seizure here, over"... "medical base to station 6, ok ok, we're on the way.. what is the condition of the casualty? over"..."the casualty is conscious, over" "ok"... we brought the stretcher and carried him to our station while waiting for the others to come.. i put my hand under the man's butt( with the stretcher canvas in between) to arrange his.... butt..... i was lucky cos i smelt urine and shit at the same time, and i didn't touch his pants.. oh, his pants was wet too... its obvious.. 2 VAD members came soon, and they checked, and as expected, we took him to the medical base. me, ren zhang and the 2 dudes.the other 2 girls from our station stayed back... they later said he was drunk and he would soon be up, and dancing to the drum beats again.. we saw him walking again 2 hours later.. the others was just cuts, tiredness, etc... the hilltop was no different. boring also unlike last year. but halfway up to the hilltop, another station was chaos.. soon jian, and chong wen.. only 2 of them... this is heard thru the talkie " station (i not sure wad station de)___ to medical base, there is one woman who is not breathing properly, uh, i need a reliever inhaler and she needs medical attention".." medical base to station____, roger, we need to know how is the casualty's condition" "medical base to station___ do you copy? " this was repeated 3 times, but no answer, then "STATION__ TO MEDICAL BASE, ANOTHER CASUALTY JUST FAINTED,OVER!".. "medical base to station___, please tell me the condition of the casualties"..no reply.... me and ren zhang was entertained by this.. after all, it WAS that boring.. the casualties were ok, according to them.. our station was a bit noob.. one boy, fell down and his middle finger was swollen.. we just put ice, and to confirm, we radioed the base.. it was awkward... asking the base for treatment of a swollen finger... lol..then nothing..... till the end.... before we left, one MPPP guy find us again.. he said "ada seorang, dia hampir mau mati lo" we stayed there, and stared at the guy.. was he joking? he looked like a joker anyway... he repeated the sentence.. i took the first aid kit, renzhang took the stretcher.. one of the girls took another first aid kit.. another one followed... we asked, he said " tu, van sana belakang".. we went... and...... this is what happened.. it was a major =.= case... the woman just fainted because of tiredness.. ada seorang , dia hampir mau mati my foot...... i knew he was a joker... she was ok, just eaten, and rested... tiredness.. when we reached the station, it was time de... our replacement has arrived.. change shift.. before i left, i made sure i turned the walkie talkie volume to the maximum.... its always kinda fun.... :)

2011-01-17T06:29:00.000-08:00

That video mentioned in the last post is kinda powerful.. i said this because for the whole day in school, it got me thinking.. thinking only about that... wow.. a short video less than ten minutes made me think for half a day... just wowed.... thaipusam is coming this thursday.. and i manage to get my name in on time... few seconds late, and it would have been for another dude.. i was the last one to get my name in..... nice.. the reason why i wanted to go is because its fun.. many posts ago, i mentioned about the funness of it.. im hoping it will be that fun.. the worst duty i've done is during the colouring competition for kids.... not looking down on anyone, but they are always with their parents, and what is the worst thing that can happen during a colouring competition? some unsupervised kid playing a prank by placing a pencil upright on a chair before another kid sits on it? ... that happened to me before long ago.. im not ashamed to tell it here.. i sat on something, and it hurt. i thought it was some rock, and i didn't bother. there was just a small pain which is not really pain.. just a painless pain. i got home, sat down for dinner, and i jumped. my butt hurt like heck. but still, it was that painful pain that isn't painful enough to make a person cry.. just enough to make a kid go "mummy, my buttock pain, but not so pain.. tomorow no need go kindergarten can ah?"..i did the most unforgivable thing on earth.."Mummy, Daddy, nah, Butt!! :)".. i introduced Butt to them.. they saw a pencil lead in my new friend. they said go doctor, i think "aiyoh, sure pain pain wan lo. doctor so rough wan. little bit say no pain but actually pain. always go put the stick in my mouth also wan!"( the stick is used to check ur throat in case u havent notice).. he just took out the lead, and i guess Butt was a little too fat, so i don't feel anything.. "HA!!?? done ah? oh.." before we left, i couldn't resist "doctor ah, can i have the vitamin c, the one can chew wan.. can ah? please.." and i went home happy.. but, i went kindergarten the next day anyway.. sigh...

anyway, back to the colouring competition duty, yeah. it was so boring we couldn't resist being childish. hey, there are more kids than adults there, so its a major influence.. we've been inflenced by kids,, yes, we flush toilets for no reason and laugh at it.. thaipusam duty better be good....( the Butt intro and the doctor part was when i was still in kindergarten, round 4 or 5, not 15.. don't get me wrong)

How Great is our God?

2011-01-15T23:45:00.000-08:00

its sunday, and i woke up feeling very lonely.. that feeling where you feel that you're alone inside. it just makes a person emo. although today was a really "sad" day for me, i felt that God is using this day just to tell me some stuff. For the first time, i felt His prescence here in my own home and room. there's this feeling that He's beside me. it was a perfect time for Him to tell me some stuff as i found out that when a person is feeling lonely, he/she begins to reflect on his/her life. i mean, what else is there do to when you're lonely? the best thing to do is just sit and reflect on yourself.. i'm not really proud of what i've done in my life. and im not going to keep it to myself.

there are actually a few testimonies to share, just short ones here, and it happened today. morning, i went to youtube to browse some songs etc, and suddenly, i saw this song title which looks like a boring song to me. but something just keeps bugging me to click that song. i've never heard the song before, but i said to myself" its a boring one.. don't waste 3 minutesof your life" and then, something said" you'll never know"... i clicked on it. and the song is a touching one.. its about how we blame God for moving far away from us when we are actually the ones that are moving away from Him... thats what i think la.. here's the link :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpKhoM2s1KM&playnext=1&list=PL968FC264EA0E5CB5&index=20

just go copy and paste and let the lyrics do their thing.. (dunno whats it called)

and the other one just happened within 2 hours or so.. again, i was really down, and i was wondering "Where is God when you needed Him" and suddenly, my friend (i dunno whether christian or not) posted a video from youtube.. again, that voice said, click on it. i did. and it was the answer to my prayer. it made me realise again that God is always there with you, no matter what, you just gotta trust His instructions and you're safe.

we shouldn't take God for granted when He said" I will forgive you, etc" like the guy in the video did. If we do so, then there'll be trouble, but once again, God is willing to forgive and help us. amazing right? im sure this video will make everyone realise.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_BCSooZ3qE&feature=player_embedded

2011-01-15T00:06:00.000-08:00

Standing on the stage, mic in hand, ready to give a 5000 people crowd a good time. Everett wasn't nervous. He'd done this many times already. The curtain opens. No one. Just a little kid in the third row. Only the stage lights were on, just how he wanted it to be..But where were the people? Didn't his assistant told him that it was sold out? He turned around. His guitarist, drummer, DJ, everyone, was missing too.. Just a few seconds, and they've vanished. It scared him. For some reason, as if they're possesed, his legs ran straight to the wall behind. He braced himself for pain. Nothing happened. He opened his eyes. He was no longer in the empty hall. Instead, he found himself in a city. On a pavement. People minding their own business. Cars passing by. Opposite, shoplots were open. (scene from Not Afraid).. He crossed the road and went to the left. There, he saw that the road has come to an end. He realised that he was staring at an abyss. Dark, deep, and cold. Thinking that he was Eminem, he jumped too.. Down he fell. Thinking that halfway he would just fly back up again. It never happened. He just kept falling down. He was too scared to notice anything and he fainted. THUD. He woke. He was on the ground. How deep he fell was his question. There was pain on his face, where he hit first, but not very pain. Just a bruise. He was surprised. Looked around and saw a forest, with a few strange creatures. They seemed calm. At peace. And they definitely looked herbivorous. No harm. They didn't seem to mind his prescense. At the end of the forest, there was a slope going deeper. Like a fool he was, he wanted to know what's deeper. He went without a second thought. Feeling excited, he ran down. Halfway through, he tripped and fell. There wasn't any pain. Finally, the ground was flat again. As he rested, he remembered how hard he fell and did not feel any pain. He pinched himself. Nothing. He scratched himself. Nothing. It felt good to him. He did the stupidest thing in the world, which is to bend his finger(upwards) till it touched his hand. There wasn't any pain. His finger broke off. No blood. Just a stump and a white thing in the middle which he guess was the bone. He fainted again. When he woke, he saw a stranger nearby. Scared, Everett decided not to move. The stranger asked" Why are you scared? Have I done any harm to you?" After a while, Everett just stood up. The stranger looked calm, but there was a sad look on his face. There was a kind of light coming from him. Suddenly, the stranger ran at him, arms open. Everett wasn't stupid. He knew he had little time to think. He went straight into defense mode. Everett and the stranger wrestled. He realised that the stranger somehow knew Everett's moves. He just kept missing the stranger. The stranger also seemed to know that Everett is numb from head to toe. Finally, the stranger threw a punch at Everett's head. It hurt. The feeling of pain was there. The stranger stopped wrestling. Everett was stunned. He fell to the ground. The stranger said "There is no greater pain than what you have just felt in your life than this. Are you still numb?" The stranger vanished suddenly. Everett realised everything that he hasn;t realised before. Things that he didn't want to know. Things that he didn't know. All came to him. He wept. He decided to change. There was still one more thing to do before he climbs out of this abyss. He slapped himself hard. The pain was there. That's what he wanted to feel. Pain. He is no longer numb. Satisfied, he ran and ran till he reached civilisation. No one believed him when he told his story. He didn't mind.

If you realised, the empty hall was him. He was famous, but inside, it was just that empty hall. He was nothing inside. Fame took over his life. As he ran into the wall and appeared outside, he was just an ordinary man. That road represents his life. The cliff at the end represents the mainstream media. His involvement in it brought him instant fame, but at the same time, it made him fall. He had times where he is alone, and has time to reflect on his life, but he didn't. This is represented by the forest. He ran down the slope, making him even famous in life, but it brought him even deeper at the same time. That numb feeling was a result of how stubborn he was. He didn't mind it at all. Finally, that encounter with the stranger represents how God showed him that he still had a chance before his life is totally over. It was through the pain that he felt that made him realise how bad he has been in his life.

I'm sure there are a lot of grammatical errors here, but as long as the story is complete, done. The story is based on some encounters that I've had. its fictional, obviously, but they're somehow related. You should know who the stranger in the story is..

It Starts Here

2011-01-12T06:06:00.000-08:00

It's already the second week after 2011 starts... Because I still like rap songs, I decided to write one.. its only the first verse though, and the chorus part.. Here goes:

Speak Up
Verse 1

This world is a broken place,
The days are filled with haze,
People killin people like everyday,
I keep askin myself, is this place worth livin in?
Sad to say, we are all this world's citizens and
Nobody care bout the land we livin in,
Wars, protests, demonstrations keep happenin
The time has come, when the world is cavin in
The people are ignorant, livin in sin
Causin hurt and pain
There is no shame
The fight for fame
Makin the only thing known is they name
Them dudes are killers
Findin a weaker
Everythin's just about just winnin bigger
But there's a Healer
For all us sinners
He's none other than our Saviour, Jesus

Chorus
We gotta speak up, speak up
Let His name be known, light the way for all them lost souls
That moment in life, a new chapter unfolds
To do that, we gotta step outside the safe zone (x2)

.... that's all i wrote.. since i don't have any musicians or recording stuff, i decided to copyleft some music.. The music, go find Eminem's song, "Mockingbird".. only the beats.. since his beats are nice, im sure he don't mind me borrowing.. it is a bit slow the song...

WOMD (Weapons Of My Destruction)

2011-01-01T21:21:00.000-08:00

I'm able to distance myself from Eminem.. Finally. Maybe its because Recovery has lost its "stim"?? I'm glad. There was a time, where seeing his name was just like seeing mine.. I was that 'obsessed'. "Eminem grabbed an award for the best song 'Love The Way You Lie'". "Lester grabbed an award for the best song 'Love The Way You Lie'". See it? When I was just around 10 years, i used to wonder, "addiction? haha.. so easy to stop.. just don't buy addiction material la.. easy nia" come 2009, i thought different. " these dudes trying to stop whatever they're obsessed with, dang, they really gotta struggle hard". cause i did. i didn't know. i wasn't prepared. The devil was the enemy, he used Eminem as his weapon, and im the victim. i still like rap. but slowly pulling away from him. actually, im considered free, maybe. i don't mind anything about him anymore. good. now the devil will have to find another weapon. i should have enough time to prepare. anyways, there was a song titled "Beautiful" from Relapse. it started with " I'm just so ******* depressed, i just can't seem to get out this slump" it introduced me to the world of eminem, rap, and rhymes. Beautiful talked about his life. one heck of an emo song. i liked it. i listen more songs. i get into booboo. i get myself out whether with help or not. fortunately help came. i got out faster. im free. anyway, that line from Beautiful, i didn't realised but soon, i really did get into booboo. everyday, in my head I'm just so ******* depressed i just can't seem to get out this slump is always playing. i tricked myself into it. dang. i always thought i was in some big pile of crap when i wasn't. finally, i was in a big pile of crap. everyday, i would lock my door, i would just shut up, and just gave a one word reply, drag my feet, cry alone in my room, punch the wall and other things, just to release whatever i had inside. a battle. i didn't realise. i listened more. i wanted more of the bad stuff. i closed my heart to God, i opened my heart to the world. i still didn't realise. i did not give a damn about what others think about me. i will be famous one day. ha. just like him. and it got worse.

here i am, 40 years old or something. i don't care about my age. i can't even remember. living beside a wall, with only a zinc roof or something. maybe a few metres long. hell. i don't care. i just came here, found myself a shelter, im glad. just an old stove, an old dirty matress, and maybe a toilet. im cool woth it. im still alive. thats all. i don't need company. that's why i'm alone. no noise. maybe i'll just lie on my matress and think.

that scared me. that was like the highest stage of depression in my life i think. nothing was as terrible as this image i had in my mind. i think God put it in me to warn me or something? i don't know. but it was a wake up call. i realised finally. i'm in depression. no maybe. still, i haven't known the weapon yet. i still listen to Eminem. until i finally decided to give it a shot. i stopped for a week. no Eminem, no rap. it felt good. there was change in me. now i know. and a picture was forming. Devil+Eminem= my life a disaster. take away eminem, and im fine. good. all is settled, but i still haven't talked to my pastor yet. im still nervous about that. but in the end, i did. my heart was opened again. and i'm smiling. no more " **** off, this is my life"... more like " harlow, wassup?".. it felt good. good. im still into rap and all, but limit. and anyway, rappers like Trip Lee, Flame and Lecrae are in. im not gonna idolise them, but they'll be my inspiration if i made it into the industry. they're christian rappers btw. and im thinking, God+me+rap= friende who like rap saved... that im trying to accomplish this year. if not, at least lemme plant a seed there. WOMD eliminated. im outta here

you are 2010, going on 2011..

2010-12-27T06:07:00.000-08:00

personally, i felt that being 14 is the best year for me.. the other years are ok, but this year has a lot of 'bookmarks'. though some teachers and some people are a real pain, surely got plaster and maybe sterile dressing and antiseptic wan.. worse case, hospital just down the block only.. well, not exactly down the block, but for a car, yes. pain, joy, wounds, happiness, bitterness, sweetness, like, dislike, follow, unfollow, whatever it is, i face it every year. who doesn't? just that this year it doubled somehow.. what power-up did i take the year before? degrading ones? the red colored ones? maybe....

Home
playing with my dogs before bathing them is the most funnest thing i guess. at least there are some scars on my hand to .... 'remember' the times when i pulled my hand off to hard, or just simply that my dog is pulling too hard.. heck, i even imagined i was wearing some roman skirt and fighting a best friend in a gladiator match.. whoever gets tired first loses.. i always win.. ha.. gotta use imagination( rainbow appears behind, taken from spongebob)..
the place where i realised that not everything will be how i wanted it to be.. nothing's perfect.. place where i had learned many things, normally by myself.. knowledge comes from experience... just that you'll always remain in level 1..

school
teacher come to mind here.. and for a reason, the geo teacher... shivers.. ok.. clear mind.. teachers.. yeah.. i see the word 'passing mark, pass up homework, go toilet only if u did not wear diaper' written on nearly every face.. this time around, the badder students( no offence intended) are much more smarter than the smart ones.. heck, im mixed.. im average i guess.. so i see half...

red crescent
for the first time, i went to outside duty.. not controlled by school i think.. thaipusam.. i'll try to get myself there again.. its fun.. i did not intend to light up my 'active' button.. i think they indirectly got me to be one.. first there was marching.. i attended to give face, then first aid, again, i gave face.. now with half my face left.. no lah, just joking.. after first aid, thats it, i wanna be in... just realised... at first, i wanted to be the ones sitting at the back, talking with a group of frens who farted every five minutes so that we could laugh the fart outta the next friend.. serious.. laugh too much, soon, fart comes knocking from inside the butt, wanting to come out with a smell..don't believe? try this yourself

materials and apparatus: digested fart food(beans, etc), yourself, a joke, and some friends who can laugh till you laugh
manipulated .v:- the fart food, depending on the quality, higher quality, higher quality farts
controlled .v:-the laugh(no one must stop laughing till fart comes, it invites him)
responsive .v:- the fart..
instructions you should know... anyways, yeah, in RC, this year, i saw a woman with much of the skin on the face off, its written somewhere in this blog, i know what a punctured lung sounds like, seen a broken ribcage, and a fractured skull.. the last three was by a puppy.. got 'squashed' by a lorry.. in that condition, died 16 hours later.. 10 am to 2 am next day.. behind my granpa's home.. i had to prevent it from escaping while waiting for doctor... heck, it can still jump and all, but its sad and disgusting.. sorry, but it was beginning to smell like some dead carcass by the 5th hour i think.. bout 3 pm..

church
organised jyr, and it was fun.. maybe because it was officially my last year there, but i still had fun.. finally managed to go for youth camp, and it was nice.. unfortunately, 5 days passed like peeling the skin from a carrot..ok simpler, it was fast..had a picture of what my life has become during jyr, some things have changed, but some are still holding back, was told that hip hop is just a form of art, rapping isn't bad.. just that most dudes out there who are makin their dough had no respect for them words, know what im sayin? ok, enough of that kinda talk..yeah, rappers out there, their lyrical contents contain these 3 elements, sex, fame, wealth. but some are not bad... i only know one or two, and i'm begining to like them.. why so little i know about christian rappers? radio. go to any radio station and wait for a lifetime, and the best raps you hear are about life, not God, not doing His work.. Trip Lee, Flame.. these 2 i know only cos recently i decided to give christian rap a shot, change my music taste for the better.. and not just maybe.. it worked.. i can proudly declare that im beginning to lose interest in Eminem, slowly.. his latest album was titled "Recovery", which most probably indicates that he is 'recovering', so why shouldn't i do the same? i should recover...

2010 rocked.. 2011 maybe a bigger rock

The puppet, The boy soldier and The poet

2010-12-15T05:13:00.000-08:00

It didn't do anything. It knew that there isn't any choice left. The show must go on. The ventriloquist held his puppet by the strings, controlling the puppet's movement. Every move and action must be perfect. From the audience's view, the puppet looks very real. The painting, the colour tones. But in reality, the puppet is nothing more than a few pieces of wood, attached by strings. It does nothing more than help the ventriloquist make money. Nothing more. No one cares much. If any piece of wood had rot, so what? The hardware shop is nearby only...

The boy soldier had fought many battles, won many victories, and the worst moment in his life was when he had a nightmare. All was well. He never thought that he would lose one day. The thought of seeing his comrades dying never even crossed his mind. The word "capture" wasn't even in his dictionary. Until one day, his side lost terribly. He was captured and brought to a temporary room for interrogation. One of his interrogators were armed with rifles. And they looked like the educated type. One that has never got out of government universities. One that has never held a gun. He saw his chance. They were stupid enough to leave the rifle near to where he was placed. But he never picked the gun up and fired back. He just sat there, and stared at them. His weapons, armour, and worldly belongings were burnt along with his comrades. (like nearly every boy soldier, he was found abandoned by some doorstep)His only weapon was his face, harder than any terrorist in the Middle East. He still did not grab the weapon. His interrogators made fun of him, and painted a fake smile on his face. He knew what was in store. He was going to be paraded in front of his enemies. Throughout the whole thing, he just kept quiet. The reason is because the whole time, he had been fighting battles.. Battles that are waged deep down in his heart. Wars that will never cease. Hope is losing fast. Despair and Depression is winning. All this time, this poem was stuck in his head:

The cold wind blows,
My tears they froze,
Blinded, forgotten, no one knows,
Finally, in peace, my eyes they close.

The dust off my eyes cleared

2010-11-26T07:28:00.000-08:00

JYR 2010 was awesome.. but im not talking about that now.. later.. this has something to do with JYR also.. a whole big part.. when it was time for worship, (first day) I didn't really went into the 'mood/atmosphere' so i felt nothing... It is only after the second day at night that i did.... and I saw this in my head; It was pitch black.. then, a something like a door opened in front.. it appears that i was in it whatever it was.. I got out. when i looked inside, i was shocked... i had been in a big rubbish dump and i hadn't realised.. then it faded.. to me, i thought that God was trying to show me what I had failed to see.. and i did... i realised my life was full of just that.. and i also realised that i managed to feel His presence more stronger than before.. the next day, during the ministry time, another picture played inside.. this time, everything was white.. the back ground.. and there was Jesus hanging from a cross.. that familiar picture.. and it was like watching a movie that i had acted in.. i saw myself, walking up to the cross, knelt down, and like a cartoon, a door kinda opened from where my heart was supposed to be.. it was just a small door, but a lot of rubbish came out.. i watched myself in that picture and i was shocked again.. rubbish keep pouring out until it was the size of a small hill... then it faded.. that time, the song "where the love last forever' was being sung... the line " and when all else fades my soul will dance with You, where the love last forever" just made me think.. i have been singing this song for more than 2 years and only now i know that it was a beautiful line... i imagined that like a scene from 2012, everyone was dead, bodies floating, buildings torn down, and yet, the image of a Father playing with His children, not caring whether there was chaos or not just came in... im saying this because i wanted to let everyone know that earth is just a temporary thing.. returning 'home' is eternal

Last week of school II

2010-11-12T19:30:00.001-08:00

Its so miserable... i'll be a baby for now... ahem.."I WANNA GO BACK TO FORM 2!!!" ok.... seriously.... when i got the form 3 textbooks, i was thinking, dang... fast year.. when i asked jin ji, he said"its because u have already achieved what you have thought was difficult in the beginning" or something like that.. anyway, he was right.. im scared of form 3 now, but end of 2011, i'll be screaming the same words again.. i'm not sure if i want to be a moniter again next year.. its crazy.. but then, i get to go recess 15 minutes early, which equals to no lining up, and i get extra curiculum marks.. but i can't mix around and talk with my friends.. never mind.. tomorrow's worries, tomorrow's duty.. inter class, im confused... but so what? blow this last two days of school by screwing up as a moniter... there's too many things and, my memory span is maybe till 2 weeks only... its default setting.. i can reset the whole thing, but i won't want to open my head..it'll hurt.. and, all the brain buttons look the same.. pinkish, wormy like.. im playing volleyball.. but i dont know any rules.. anything happens, i walk away and "foo foo foo, what?".. so sad... last year was better... the last day, we get to bring high calorie and carb and fat and gas food.. now, we burn them for interclass.. dang

ahh.. holidays

2010-11-07T03:54:00.000-08:00

this whole week is so.... suckish... really... monday and tuesday, im cool... wednesday to sunday, i stare at the computer screen till i nearly vomit.. that's where the bed and pillow helps.. why? i have a 5 day break from school that's why.... and holidays make me feel lazy.... 1 more week to interclass.... after final exams, the school is a place where you can just... sit back, talk, drink(water), talk somemore, wish the teacher that comes in and out of class, waste time, drink more... and occasionally, we would smell someone's fart wafting(i dunno the right word) through the class and the ususal happens.. fingers pinching noses, laughing until we have no choice but to breathe(air+fart= aired fart.. lame)... then look at recess food, check if its still ok, or 'flat' normally mine would be flat.. gardenia choco buns.. i always squeeze them and see the cream come out.. dunno why... then after recess, talk more..... and drink more.. and talk... i seriously dunno wad to say now.. so bye

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

2010-11-03T04:28:00.000-07:00

That thing.. It crept in like a skilful and silent ninja. Disgust and fear; what that thing was made of came upon me like a lion on a deer.. *snap* yeah... that's it.... its 7:18.. the gloomy weather, kinda dark.. and im alone.. my parents haven't came back yet.. and i have been in the house for the whole day.. it will be a holiday till sunday... that feeling.. im scared of it... that lonely feeling... where you have no one to talk to.. where you wished you had a brother.. my actions are limited because of this feeling.. meaning, i couldn.t do the things i would have done normally... this loneliness.. the quiet.. not the good type of quiet.. but rather, the sinister atmosphere of quiet.. my confidence and the pride i have that makes me do things have left... dang.. im pinned by the sharp and powerful claws of this thing. its eyes stared into mine. wide,cold, hate in them. i would have fought it if i weren't so slow and dumb. yeah... i could actually make loneliness go away, but somehow, i waited... it went away the moment a sound was heard. across the fields it lept and was never seen. farmers who seen it go away will tell of this creature to their grandsons when they're old, but now, i had to find out whatever this sound came from. whatever it is, it is surely bigger and fiercer than the beast that ran away seconds ago. the answer came almost immediately andit was my stomach growling signalling dinner time... my parents are home already...

dang it

2010-10-21T02:04:00.000-07:00

dang it..... din get in the inter class football team.... at least got volleyball...... but, still.. i suck at volleyball.. but still, at least i get in the team...fight for 2 anthony.... yeah.... that's the spirit... =.=/. ok.. anyways, wednesday.... ah, yesterday.. a fire broke out in my school in the science lab... if i hadn't skipped class, i wouldn't have see it. i skip class because some teacher was asking me to do the oral marks for my class, and i was at a form 3 class(they were having some post PMR thing going on, so it was empty) and suddenly,i saw smoke... at first i thought it was a duster dusting off the dust from the dusty blackboard, but then, it was too much dust... way too much.. and i saw a fire extinguisher out of the lab, and smell some thing like fireworks... oh, gosh... my english sucks now, most probably because i typed this in a hurry. and the teacher was going out of the lab, and a bell rung for 3 seconds... but it didn't spread.. :(.... dang it...and good news for me... while i was out, my class did some kh exercise, and when i came back, they have already discussed.... yeah... no need copy....

The Accident

2010-09-25T00:25:00.000-07:00

sounds like a bad movie title right? wrong.. its not a movie title, although The Accident really does sound like a bad movie title... titles.... tietals... taytales tietails... ok enough..... just when i was gonna go back and hit my crib with lunch in a environment unfriendly bag, i saw an accident.... "CUT!!"... replay.. i did not see the accident... i saw what happened after the accident... more like it.... yeah... a car parked on the side of the road, a bike, a group of 4 people( most probably the owner of the car, a family) and 2 people, most probably on the bike... i was riding, and like a good malaysian i am, i purposely 'pretended to cross that area'.. saw one woman on the floor, face, hands bleeding... wanted to ride off, but somehow, i just can't go.. i 'froze' there, wondering whether to help, or just buzz off.. decided to stay... and help... went to the woman on the floor( the others seem fine), saw a packet of Premier tissue, only 5 left or so... she's holding 1 helai wiping blood off the upper lip.. knelt down, do my stuff to intro, and it felt so awkward, kneeling there, covering the wounds up... the face, on the right cheek, had a big area of skin off, from somewhere near the nose, to the chin.... upper lip, normal, just a lil piece of skin hanging there or so, elbow, normal too, finger and palm on the left hand, bleeding, used up all the tissue, just to clean and cover the wound... too bad no water... unless the tomyam soup i bought can help, but im not crazy... saw a small puddle of saliva+blood.. asked if her mouth was bleeding, she said yes... teeth must've bit the lip... can't do much, small wound in mouth... asked if she had any more injurues/pain on anywhere, she said the leg is a little bit pain... but she didn't want me to treat the leg... that's fine... respect casualty's decision, or i cud be sued.... waited for 3 minutes or so, than only ambulance come.... and it happened just at the corner of hamid khan school.. ambulance driver seem not to know or sometin... took so long... went back to home after all was done, and till now, im still scared.... dunno why.... nervous or something

The week that should have been a holiday instead

2010-09-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

school's returned... should have been a holiday instead... monday and thursday holiday... what's the point....anyways, as soon as i got back, my week is full.... wth... there's duty tomorrow, speech day.. im sure nothing ever happens... waste like 4 hours or so, see people get prizes, then go...... tuesday, first aid training, wednesday, have to sell 10 revo garden badges by tomorrow... today, malaysia day, went out for the first time with friends... to gurney... saw many people, from church, to school... first aid training, had my finger in the middle of the stretcher's hinges.. lucky no piece of meat came off..... just a bruise now.. but it hurt like heck.... no rap battle done yet... the faster the better... get me off eminem..........step up was awesome. the dance is cool.. went arcade, daytona-ed 3rhice.. got 1 token, but no time left.. now, in my wallet... lucky david can fetch back..... that's just the summary of the week.....

the loonng week is here

2010-09-09T07:21:00.000-07:00

holidays.... everyone likes them.. who doesn't?... especially a week long one..... i like it too... but now, i hate it... its boring that's why..... anyway... just now, in my grandfather's place, carried like billions of woks... the factory is a proud parent of like maybe 50+ woks.. big and small... lucky my back doesn't hurt.. im not old yet.. my shoulders, and muscles, still no pain... well, see tomorrow pain or not.. yesterday was the worst days in my life.. boredom... stayed in the shop from like 10 till 5 waiting for the delivery truck to come.. manatau come only today.... lucky i brought a big book... got lost in Voyage Of The Dawn Treader..... the third Narnia movie that's gonna b released in cinemas in december.... whee.... the soft spots of me.. wait(slaps).. im back.... monday. through facebook, a rap battle is declared... me vs. harith... judge, steven, vincent, and nelson.. haha.. just a song cos im moniter, and have to jaga class, so i jus ponteng a bit of my moniter time, for the battle... harith say after school cannot.... only one song.. Drop The World, Eminem and Lil Wayne... cant wait to see the defeated look on his face... i can rap fast, he... ok ok only... ...yeah.... proud time...... more complaning on how bad my holiday is later

Merdeka Parade..31/8/2010

2010-08-31T05:42:00.000-07:00

happy birthday Malaysia!! exactly 53 years ago... you know... 6.30 reached school.... did nothing till like 7 for breakfast or something.... then off to play ping pong... beginner.. dun ask more.. 7:10 assemble at the parking lot... kanan nombor-ed.. got into a squad... had a nightmare... the people in front and behind me... they are annoying and crazy.. annoying-er and crazier than me... grrr.. never mind that... went to esplanade.... for at least 3 times we masuked baris. but then, nothing happened, so every1 self declared keluar baris... crapped around.. julian got breathing problems or something... then it officially started.... marched till one whole round... the sea soldiers or something tried to make us all lose focus... grrr...after, its officially over... crapped again... went back to school.. ping-ponged for 1 hour only i realised i forgot to call my dad.... grrr... another half hour of play. he came... i earned a free slurpee... yeah.. dad:grrr... wont tell no one my secret.. had tomyam lunch maggi mee(?) at CF nearby.... then home

sunday the 8th

2010-08-08T00:54:00.000-07:00

if it hadn't rained at about 7, i wouldn't have woken up from my land of make-a-wish-and-it-comes-true... 8am, off in a car, to sunshine (square?) for dewteey... got lost, finding where the heck it is.. while searching, i did an equation... (8.30-sharp-must-reach-sunshine + where-the-hell-is-sunshine)= sunshine... i dun reli get it either.... i found it in the end, using my great maths.. zhenwei and julian waited for me at McD.. yay... but, too early... it did not open... went straight up, only to find out that they hadn't really prepared the 'things'.... dammit.... went down again... was told that they 'hired' a coffeeshop only for those on duty... but, we ate before we came, so just to give face, we went to hang out in places that they won't find us(never accept food from strangers).. zhenwei went back for tuition.. me and julian left... went to 7-11... he bought slurPEE.. i bought the so-hard-to-resist Galaxie... we went back to the lift... Mrs. Khoo, the lady in charge of something, who asked us to eat at the coffeeshop, asked " have u eaten the food de?".. me and julian:SHIT... we were supposed to hide for 15 mins but we forgot.. ... i said yes finally... after all, kids eat fast don't they? she seemed to believe.. and yet... did nothing but helping with the registration for like 1 hour... then, it officially started... coloring contests are the worst nightmares of a nightmare..reason: boredom... nothing ever happens.. a few rounds of rondaan... and the ballet people practising the dance with their little long piece of cloth-on-a-stick thingy keeps hitting my face... sigh... zhenwei returned... funtime... julian asked by the (organiser?) to keep the kids from going up to the stage... he did it seriously... till me and zhenwei laughed.. too seriously... did other random/childish/stupid stuff.. then, times up.. kids lined up.. or parents more like for food and vico and biscuits... well, some, they drank it themselves.. selfish people... :(... after, our turn to eat... whats in that lil KFC snack box??!! fries and meatballs... fried french and balls of meat... still, better than nothing... i took back my own words when i ate the french yellow cholesterol filled dude.. it was soft.. too soft... julian played woth the food, and meatball from his hand rolled off on the table.. he laughed... we silent.. he choked, we laughed.... got another box.. all 3 of us.. leftovers.. i ate them meatballs .. them fries, i gave to zhenwei, who seemed to have achieved zen with the chilli sauce and fries.. never disturb a guy who is at peace with food... soft food... played with the food.. ended up throwing it away.. 5 packets of chilli sauce remained on the table... i dranked 2 of them.. off to the toilet to wash hands.. suddenly, the sound of toilets flushing was like music to our ears... we flushed every toilet, laughing at each "grrrrmmmmfluuuuussshhhhhh.. ssssssssss( water refilling the tank)" zhenwei wipe the water off his hands with tissue.. tried a basketball shot into the bin, i put my hand up, it flew back to him... we laughed.. julian choked.. oh wait!! we laughed, julian flushed the toilet.. we laughed again.... then i go home

sixaugusttoo"o"one"o"

2010-08-06T04:37:00.000-07:00

friday the 6th..... fwoomph day... did like 4 cheap experiments, manage to escape the prefects on duty.long hair.... jiti went discipline for something like racism.. ming khai whacked the same guy who reported jiti for misuse of fathers name... OLC called a few boys from class to search for hidden clues of the missing geography map.. dunno who took it... managed to rap no love, but still not good enough.. newbie me.. thinking of having a rap competition between me,steven, adam, and harith... but lazy... canteen, .... ate food.....? or something thats called food.. too oily to recognize as food...... still havent returned the borrowed book.. it increases sen by sen everyday, and yet i felt that 2 floors up was like traveling from here to the there of there.. too far... again managed to escape the discipline teacher for long hair.. BM teacher din come... class said "yay"... sarcastic enough.... crapped the whole 80 mins till bell dingggggggggggggggggggggggggggggs.. bus was earlier then normal.. by 0.5 minutes maybe... slept while hearing some guy arguing wit a girl in the bus... i din exactly sleep la.... another guy "SHUDDUP!!" shouted.. fong loong maybe... slept in peace till the bus stops... i cant sleep when its hot, so i woke up.. only to find that the bus din stop... the dude in front of me pushed the window waaay back.. pushed it waaay front to revenge the loss of my wind.. he was sleeping... oh, that fool..... reached home, facebooked until 4 hours later and its now... goin to cell group later

Friday The 30th

2010-07-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

merentas desa!! i didn't run, again this year. was stationed at the furthest bend at botanical gardens.. with nick... with nick.... sigh.. anyways, about 6 people came only.. one with a burn wound(which he got yesterday) the size of a medium size gauze... dettoled it, ask him to rest, despite his 'protests' to run again.. called the ambulance, and it was too late for him to argue anymore. another guy said he got a bee sting, but i don't see no sting on his foot. insect probably, in disguise of a bee.. burnoled it, and it was done.. next, was a guy, who had no injury,, he just walked past.. nick told me that he is the only guy in his family, beside his dad. he had 7 sisters.. form 1, very thin, walked with a XXL bag for his size.. stared hard at the bag, and we found out what bag it is.. a handbag.. white, with 2 pouches on the outside.. the way he wiped his sweat was really.... was really... (shivers)... ignored him and continued.. 3 minutes later, we turned t the right, and we saw him again.. applying lotion... 0.o..... o.0...O.O...0.0... when he got away, we just said nothing... ... ... .. ... ... ... then, no one.. went to the entrance.. saw everyone there, even grape(zhen wei)... off we go in the crammed ambulance... then it was like 1 hour of boredom.. the prize giving was soooo long... then free... went to the playground... felt like a 5 year old.. and everyone knows what happened.. only, i cant get into the little spring horse thingy... a butt too big.. everyone cant get into it also, so dont blame only me... 1 guy fell down from the swing.. laughed... only to realize that im holing a 1st aid box.. and wearing the RC uniform... sigh... became a 14 year old again... few scratches... then i never returned to that 5 year old state again... another guy was like looking for trouble... monkey nearby, acted cool, went close, like 1 metre away, ape chased,human ran. ape stopped, human still ran.. while human ran, i nearly died.. if he were bitten by that monkey, i will be stuck there. frozen... no 1st aider was there except me... if he were bitten, blood,trauma,lotsa dettol... ambulance.. but it never happened.. i came back to life.. then 8 pm... floorball inter cell somethinglikethats... 1st 2 times i went in, nervous, and let manasseh lost to a goal... 3rd time, i was more unnervous... i guess.. found a last minute transport home.. thanks to pastor... or else i would have to hang around somewhere, for like an hour or so... ken jeen said i was a rap addict... not really... im not addicted to rap... its just my preferred genre... and i dont like any rappers.. only eminem.. and a little bit of TI, and lil wayne( if he works with eminem)... got home, to my room, and just fell asleep, lights on, radio on ( i drifted to sleep unintentionally) din change... got up at 2am... changed, lights still on... wait until like 3 for fun.. theres this song eminem did, "3AM".. after 3, sleep... wow...

2010-07-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

you made my life unbearable in school for more than 6 months since you shifted beside me. i thought you were just like any other friend i had. everytime i see you in school, i fear the worst. i was only patient with you, for you were the only one which nearly killed me,the others didn't really made me that mad . i didn't want to do this, although i really want to see you regret your own actions against me. but now, things have changed, just like your attitude, your own self. you shoved me when i did not answer your retarded questions. questions that you would use just for your own advantages. to bring people down. everytime you pissed me off, i always have the thought of getting up, and picking a fight with you. but i remembered, i have changed and if i broke the rules i have set, i would be guilty of this forever. i did not curse anymore. i did not lose my patience that much anymore. everytime you made a teacher mad, i fear they would think of those beside you as people who are like you. i am beside you. i'm not like you. u took advantage of my 'blurness' and took everything i had. i'm not complaining. i'm just saying. i've done what i normally won't do. im ready.

♫today was a wednesday♫

2010-07-28T06:17:00.000-07:00

wednesday... yoga fell down, had his skin scraped off.. big piece and quite deep... dettoled him while he "manned" up before his face "raisined".. an extra 7 people turned up, instead of the normal 4,(me, Kj,JJ, and hui shern) for this week's prayer-plus-maybe-teaching group.. i taught about "cults and us", which i think is quite deep.. i just 'floated' on the topic.. and marching squad had like, 14 boxes of Dominoes pizza.. now i know why dominoes is better than pizza hut.. thanks to eu jeen.. su yang released a bomb, and another one later in the evening... pizza gives u gas for certain terrorists.. managed to get my hands on the very-elusive slurpee, and messed up the station.. the 711 dude was a bit pissed at me. i guess... sigh.. ♫today was a wednesday, tomoro is a thurs. i used to think that wednesdays suck♫.. taylor swift's gonna sue me for parodising a song withut permission... like she does...

Top Hated Songs

2010-07-16T03:05:00.000-07:00

1. California Gurls( Katy perry ft. Snoop Dogg)
it used to be nice... then the radio agrees with me... it played the song too many times, they still like it, i loathed it... then it rose to the top hated list...

2. Break Your Heart( Taio Cruz ft. Ludacris)
i just hate the new singers now... taio cruz, BOB, Bruno Mars... sigh.. they all sound the same (the song)

3. Memories( David Guetta ft. Kid Cudi)
nice beats, perfect momentum... it still sucked... verse keeps repeating itself...

4.
World Behind My Wall( Tokio Hotel)
i hated it because of the same reason in no.1

5. Ridin' Solo( Jason Derulo0
the song sounds wrong.....in a way

6. Already Gone( Kelly Clarkson)
copied the music from Beyonce's Halo... and the song sounds as if there was no life in the singer

7. Billionaire( Travie McCoy ft. Bruno Mars)
it aint real rap... it sucked... playing basketball with obama?

8. Alejandro( Lady GaGa)
her songs are kinda getting worse and worse.... just dance would be so much better...

9. Empire State Of Mind( Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys)
this song is supposed to be the number 1 hated song... but i just thought of it, and too lazy to re-type.... Jay-Z talks in a song.. not raps... sad him...

10.If We Ever Meet Again( Katy Perry ft. Timbaland)
chorus over repeated!!the video was kinda bad and boring as well... ..

that ends the hated chart.. cant think of anything more.. better leave it alone now.. or i will get nightmares

RC Annual Camp '10

2010-07-16T02:58:00.001-07:00

well....5 days since the camp ended... It was amazing.... although the food during the first dinner and lunch kinda sucked... The games was awesome, still dun really get "where did i go next" and "how many sheep"... no pictures, cos i did not bring camera... the shirt was ok... all white, the school name and the RC words behind...hm.. looking forward to next year's

2010-07-11T05:30:00.001-07:00

I always wondered if goldfish can be deep-fried.. nah.. joking... and eaten?? The other day in an issue of Galaxy magazine, i saw a britney spears perfume advertisement.... put it on and u would smell just like her.. only thing, who knows what she would smell like? if she smelled just like the rubbish dump near batu lanchang market, then for once in entertainment history, rubbish made famous... thank me for that.. I'm thinking that rapper Flo Rida tried have 6 pack abs like 50 Cents but failed... he looked fat instead. don't believe? check out Right Round... BOOM!! Its the 2010 finals... SPain-in-the-butt versus-ing HO Land.. i support none... I'm not really sure if its really Spain VS. Holland or not.. just saying... but I think the team playing on the left side of the field will win.... just because Presanth fell down from the table during his sleep and woke everyone up.. he fell on the left side FYI.. I can't really believe Leona Lewis actually tried Lady Gaga's "genre" of attire.... too much... somethings are best left alone. If the world were to follow L.Lewis' example... Imagine some cool guy like say, Eminem dressed up in a Kimono... sickening... I am lame, am I not??

EMINEM Top 10 Music Chart

2010-07-08T06:15:00.000-07:00

YAY!! as you all shud know.. i'm a fan of that dude.... here is the top 10 songs that i find interesting..

1.Not Afraid
reason? this song talks about his struggles and how he overcomes his troubles in life... u all know.... and ya.. his single from his latest album,Recovery

2.Beautiful
... i dunno why either.. its stuck in my head since i heard it...

3.Love The Way You Lie
still dun really know either... but i find Rihanna's voice in this song very beautiful.. ya... Eminem working with Rihanna... never hear b4, but, he did...
he worked with Pink too.. FYI

4.We Made You
awesome... i just thought he's too free and created a rap for all stars in Hollywood... fast, and the fart sound is kinda nice........sorry

5.Lose Yourself
that one song really sounded more like a a hip hop song really,

6.Like Toy Soldiers
talking about trying to calm a violent community of rappers and putting it in a song is just amazing... i wish i cud do that too.... sigh

7.When I'm Gone
its kinda ok.. i dun really like the tune and stuff, but i like the plot of it... fame goes into his head, daughter tells him, he gets sad, kills himself.. and he found out it was a dream... hmmm

8.Stan
one of his talents.... storytelling in a rap....more or less like that.... lucky im not stan..

oops.. iforgot the other 2.... sorry... but atleast he's better than ppl like BOB, Ludacris.. sorry BOBLUDACRIS fans...

unconsiousness

2010-05-16T04:20:00.000-07:00

what do you do when a guy is unconsious?? Check for blah blah blah and do blah blah blah... Same like this blog... Its gonna go boom for a while.. Nothing to write about now... Just wait for next time..

so not myself

2010-04-11T04:08:00.000-07:00

wonder why im so perasan nowadays... always down and not so good mood....

Flag Day, Day 1

2010-03-20T07:07:00.000-07:00

HAHA!! time to prove that Saints are the best beggars in the world... this year, i'm taking things a little bit easier than last year... only got like 60% full tin... well, from 7:47 to 12:00, i was in jelutung market... had to make a decision when ken jeen ask me to go gurney collect money with him as he is alone... as a very good human like me,( sorry,pride time) i pitied him and went... stuck in rapid penang for like 1 and a half hours just because i didn't know how to take rapid... lameness dosn't rule... reached gurney at last at 1:24.. waited for him to eat the whole McD up in sunrise... then, the fun begins... we went to gurney plaza, suddenly got scared of the security guard, so went back... took a bus to island plaza, no one there, oso got scared by security... decided to go back again(wasting money only), only to realise that ken jeen 'lost' his wallet, went back, thankfully honest people were around... reached sunrise again, collected a few $$$, then decided to go Bali Hai... very long walk there. only to find that no one was there -_-!!.... at least time to go HQ.. time flies, and its time for church... report on next day soon

Training Camp '10

2010-03-18T04:20:00.000-07:00

17 and 18th March was just ok.. for me....... 2 days of training in a school... nothing much, except 5 hrs of marching, at least 2-3 hours of games, food, and a stomach ache.. i have nothing to say now.. just this: good job committee people!!

GO GO GO kart

2010-03-13T03:18:00.000-08:00

go kart... don't really know who the hell thought of that name... anyway, a report that has something to do with it... duty again.. actually, yesterday when i passed by esplanade, it was empty except for a few tents..

0926hrs
just reached... nothing much to do..

1230 hrs
after lunch... got ready to go to my checkpoint along with 2 seniors.. 1 1st aid kit, 1 ice box and 3 people...

1300hrs
practice time for the pros.. getting ready for the race, i guess... nothing much after then

1430hrs
opened to public/the noobs... their driving 'impressed' me.. 1 kart, estimated speed:10-20km/h, managed to drift.. not bad after all

1600hrs
rain, rain, go away.. too bad it didn't listen to me.. at least we managed to find a bit of shade.. the pros are racing for real now... slippery road+ speeding karts= disaster... nah.. nothing happened. the karts didn't speed that fast..

1645
called the RC base.. everything done,, let's chao!! walked to school.. heard that we will get 10$ for every duty.... ye$!!

1700
bye

CNY

2010-02-16T03:46:00.000-08:00

Hey!!! it's been a while since i posted something here... what to do? school,school,and school..... Well, at least Chinese New Year holidays are here... CNY come and gone... angpows come, but maybe will be gone also.. no one knows... only God.... lazy to write somemore lah... next post only tell more... Bye

Thaipusam duty

2010-01-30T02:30:00.001-08:00

as you guys know, today is thaipusam... and i'm on duty... reached the sree bala-something temple in Waterfall... supposed to be stationed on the second highest station.. but somehow, we were put in the top base... at first, it was very boring for like 2 hours, only 1 guy fainted... then, at around 1130-1330, for two hours, it was like a shopping mall with a 99.9% discount sales on the latest stuff... almost every 5 minutes, a person comes in...estimated that at least 20+ people were treated, 60% of them fainted(mainly because of the hot sun and the long climb up to the temple).. one boy about my age had fainted... after a quick check up, the doctor said that he had to be sent down to the main base... on a special kind of stretcher, at least 6 people had to transport him for 200+steps(there were many people there, which made the job a little harder).. after 1330, t was boring again... there were less people there now... supposed to finish our shift at 3 pm, but went back 1 and a half hour later... dunno why... And just like every story, we were tired, (who isn't?) but happy... it was kinda fun actually

op cancelled

2010-01-24T05:02:00.000-08:00

On friday, i thought i was going for an operation... so did everyone else... Well, i really thank God and you guys out there who have prayed for me.. b cos the operation was cancelled.. yes it is... i was surprised at first, but the thing has disappeared suddenly... i truly believe it was God that had made it disappear becos it was there for like 3 months, and before the op, it suddenly disappeared!!! well, no op, no pictures...
but, although it was a good thing, i was a little disappointed... kinda excited, cos it was my 1st op...... but never mind.. at least i manage to reach the operating theatre and got a chance to look around it... kinda fun though...

22/1/10

2010-01-18T01:16:00.000-08:00

Guys out there.. pls pray 4 me.. wud b going for a leg operation...(the date is mentioned on the title..) my first actually... ya, wud b skipping skool for a while

On the night of 16/1/10

2010-01-17T00:52:00.000-08:00

Last night was a bit meaningful 4 me... 1 speaker(i forg0t his name, just know that he is a floorball coach) came and said this; deny yourself and follow the Lord... it kinda tells me something... sorry, i forgot to bring my notes to copy... anyway, after i was being prayed for, i had a feeling that i had to do one thing.. to bring back the lost.... after the service, i just took some photos with only daniel.. ken j don want... dunno why...

yesterday got only 1 MJ, now got 2?!

same thing evrytime i go church.. arm wrestling..

counter strike 1.6

A retarded post

2010-01-15T20:55:00.001-08:00

Last night i went to a wedding dinner... it was fun.... fun as in taking retarded pictures... with the help of my cousins and the cam timer, taking a photo was never this fun...

Nerdy businessman

MJ(my version)

oh horrors!!

a bit like homer simpson
nerd time with cousins

pix of 2009

2010-01-08T00:56:00.000-08:00

the watchdog

the king in his glory

cuz, mom, me

me n cuz

My fav pic

Me, my parents

A cert 4 my hard work

What I had to go thru

The training for IUC

The year ends

2009-12-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

Well well..... d year 2009 was like a drive thru order... so fast, too fast...anyway i intended to upload some pix but i forgot to bring along my cam. i hate school actually, but i just dunno why i am so eager to go skool when it starts... more friends i guess... recently went to a RC IUC competition... just got a cert but good enuf d( photos will b posted next time,, training only la)

2009-12-23T23:55:00.000-08:00

These few days i can't really use the internet coz it's slow, but i'll try to upload some recent pics of my previous trips.. sry 4 d inconvenience caused

Certain changes...

2009-12-14T18:10:00.000-08:00

These few days, there will be a few changes to this blog... I won't be posting anything for a while now.... so, any comments will b accepted and reconsidered (my english is a bit suckish, bt never mind rite??? at least you understand) hope you like my new playlist

Nothing but pictures

2009-12-08T18:09:00.000-08:00

in Sunway lagoon

Thats my 2nd dog few months ago

Thats my other dog

Heatwave

2009-12-08T04:26:00.000-08:00

Guess what???Just when I thought that today was going to be a nice and cool day, it became bad.... No, it wasn't raining... it was extremely warm!! No,no... it was burning!! I think it's because I went out in the sun twice to buy something... and blame my sweat glands.... they overworked... as if they're gonna get promoted... suddenly felt like a runaway criminal this evening because i forgot to take an extra plastic bag so that my second dog can do his 'baking'... had to leave it there,warm and cosy....X|

There...

2009-12-07T00:29:00.000-08:00

You have it... i have kept my word about pictures... that's pictures of JYR if you were asking... anyways, i have to go now..... i promise(again) to upload pictures of my recent trip to KL.... signing off

2009-12-06T23:56:00.000-08:00

Don't let it fall!!!

i look kinda weird:)

"what's that? Lemme see

The organiser;Jin Ji

"I'm better than Big Bird and Chicky(KFC)

2009-12-06T21:42:00.000-08:00

Everyone that went to JYR

My Group;Brazil

The super view there

2009-12-06T17:55:00.000-08:00

this year's youth camp is coming!!!! but i'm not goingT-T....no choice la... this year i go to so many holidays d..... never mind... next year hopefully can... nothing to write d... i think maybe today i will upload some pics of my recent trip to KL....

CS Addiction

2009-12-05T21:59:00.002-08:00

Recently, I realized that i was a little addicted wif CS(Counter Strike)don't blame me... blame the school hols...i broke the record of playing for 3 hours non stop.... Anyways, today i don think i will b playing for 3 hours... tak 'da masa.. later will b following my family to something called pc fair(why d they call it pc fair?its not only PCs that they are selling right???) (sigh).. if you guys were still wondering,"why this blog still got no pictures??? words only... i know that pictures tell a million words thats why im trying to upload some pics but this thing is a real patience tester... i'd tried few times but too slow... give up lo... but i will keep to my promise k??

JYR

2009-12-04T01:00:00.000-08:00

Remember on d previous post i said something about JYR??? FYI, JYR is Junior Youth Retreat... there are no photos coz camera's not allowed(i think) u guys out there might have thought it was boring coz no phones or books were allowed........Wrong!!! it was super awesome!! with all the games and quite interesting teachings we learned, its just super.... 4 those of you out there, i recommend you guys to join it.... b4 that, i encourage you guys to join FIREbrands. how is it like, you ask... well, see 4 urself at www.firebrands-irri.blogspot.com.... my extremely handsome pic is most probably there..;)

Here comes the holidays!!!

2009-12-04T00:54:00.000-08:00

Yes!!!! end of school means the start of boredom... T-T..... ok.... its been a while since i last blogged which was with my mom's phone.. got wifi ma:)... anyways, i'm waiting for my dad to start teaching me insurance.. i guess my future's sealed... next few hours later would b going to a school opp. the Png state mosque to support the firebrands floorball team.... Signing off

JYR 09

2009-11-27T00:28:00.000-08:00

Wow...this years JYR was really fast and VERY AWESOME!!!!.... Sorry but i,can't write more now... Using phone wifi in the airport... So battery going out... Waiting 6hours in d airport 4 a thrice delayed flight... Really sucks la firefly airways....... Every half an hour buy sumthing to eat... Really sucks

Finally no school!!!

2009-11-19T22:32:00.000-08:00

Finally, skool is over!!! Wow... time passes very fast... We had to bergotong royong the school compound... the whole day was just cleaning up the school... all my worries r over now... dunno whether my parents can fetch me 2 north zone to watch a movie 4 our cg or not... trying my best 2 update my blog which looks boring

2nd last day

2009-11-19T00:17:00.000-08:00

So 2 day was just ok.... got 5th in class but nid improvement 4 geo and sejarah...... ok...in case you were wondering. why dis blog got no pix??!! i promise sure got after the holidays

inter class competition

2009-11-18T00:53:00.000-08:00

2 day was a bit different as we (F1) had our 1st inter class competition... Kinda boring 4 me as I din take part... it was drizzling oso:(, but somehow I managed to have a little fun by playing some not-so-serious pranks:p... had 2 rush to recess to eat, then gather 4 guys, me, jin ji, ken jeen and hui shern, 4 d lower sec prayer group... got my seni marks after that... not so bad; 75% ...then, me and lawrence had to wait 4 at least 30 mins just 4 the teacher to come and give us our buku pinjaman...( we forgot to bring some books yesterday)...

2009-11-16T23:46:00.000-08:00

2 day was pretty much d same in school.... only thing different was there wasn't any homework 2 do.... I had to skip recess as 3 of us: me, ken-jeen and a form 4 guy, arthur (the others had left school) carried out or last minute plan 4 revo recess; giving out small cards that said 'God bless you' and 'Thank you'.... luckily got enough time just to buy an egg and a ham...:( went back to class feeling terribly hungry..... i don't know Y but i feel a little excited about school holidays which was in 3 days time...

A new blog has been created!!!!!!

2009-11-16T19:51:00.000-08:00

A new blog has been created:)...it's my 1st 1 anyway.... i'd tried many x bt i can't coz i forgot 2 sign in 2 google or something........ anyway, i'd tried my best 2 get dis blog thing to get created cuz it's d end of d end yr exams:).. thinking 'bout it made me happy. can't write anymore.. got work 2 dihabiskan